This year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs – a wild ride to be sure. I have much to be thankful for and I wanted to take a moment to list some of those things.
1. I am thankful for the people in my life. My family, friends and co-workers who make my daily life better. The wonderful office staff here at Round Hill Meadows who don’t make me feel bad for the sheer number of times I have to go to the office to get a package from them. My new Sunday School class and the wonderful church people at CBC who have been so welcoming. And for J who, despite everything, has been a wonderful friend during a very difficult period in both of our lives.
2. I am thankful for my new apartment and the chance to strike out on my own and start over. I never knew how much I needed this to work. And I am happy to report that it does.
3. I am thankful for my job and the flexibility that working at home has given me. I am continuously amazed at the ease of which that happened and the stress relief it has provided – even while I still have stressors in my life.
4. And most importantly, I am thankful for a God who forgives me over and over again. I need more forgiveness than I think is possible sometimes and He always amazes me at his grace and mercy.
This time last year I was preparing for 2014 by picking a word for the year. Normally, I pick a word that I want to strive to. Something I am hoping will inspire me throughout the year to do better, to try harder, to be the person I want to be. Last year I chose a word that I was pretty sure was God trying to tell me something. I chose change.
I like most people am not a huge fan of change – at least not a lot of changes in a small amount of time. And 2014 has had some major ones. If I thought for one second it was not God giving me that word, he proved me wrong for sure.
So I have been thinking on what changes I made in 2014 – and what changes were thrust upon me. Its a pretty big list:
- Job changes
- new supervisor
- losing a client
- gaining a client
- new contact at the client (leading to new challenges)
- pay raise
- working from home full time
- Personal changes
- New furniture
- Living and working in the same space
- New town
- New people
- New church
- New choir
- Living alone for the first time ever
- New relationship
- Ending of said relationship
- First relationship where it did not end with one or both of us being angry
- First time someone made me feel loved like that
Those were the big things – and there are countless little things that have changed this year. I have picked my word for 2015 and as much as I wish I could blithely pick something that is easy for this year – I know where God is leading me. So my pick for 2015 is connections. Can’t wait.
I used to love Facebook. It was a place to reach out, keep up with, and in a very passive aggressive way, get some things out (those annoyingly vague posts – usually something I wanted to say but had no one in particular to say them to…one of those things about being single that books will not tell you). I spent countless hours checking my wall and responding, liking and adding new content.
But in recent times, I have fallen off the Facebook bandwagon. I still check it..many times a day in fact, but I don’t write a lot anymore. And I have realized a few things about how I use Facebook to keep relationships moving….and how I let them stall.
I feel like we live in curious times. We use Facebook and Twitter and SnapChat and other forms to social media to “keep in touch” but truthfully if you look at most people’s feeds, it is really just a way for each of us to talk about ourselves…the things we love, the thoughts we have that normally no one would care about, the things that make us laugh or cry or make us think, and an abnormal amount of “everyday life” photos – have we ever in life spent so much time talking about and photographing our food?
Lately, I tend to read my feed, check in on the 5 or so people who crossed my mind lately and then move on. It means there are lots of people in my life that I don’t know what is going on with…and/or I don’t see in my feed and I don’t take the time to reach out. And I rarely send a message to sometime specifically. It happens, but rarely and it is usually sharing something I saw and not a personal message I post on someones wall.
At the same time my interest in social media is waning, I am more and more wanting real contact and connection with people – not virtual ones. I love my Facebook friends – I can’t imagine cutting off that part of my life – but it is time, past time really, to get out there and meet some people.
My current relationship ended this past week. I will not go into any details here, but just know that has been a very difficult few days and I will be struggling and trying to process what happened for some time. I don’t think I will ever be able to make sense completely of the events that unfolded. And I have to be content with knowing that I made the right choices for me and my own well being.
Walking away when you still love someone and when they still love you, even for the right reasons, has to be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I have spent a lot of time wondering “what if” and “if only.” That kind of speculation is not healthy and I have been trying to get out it, but I am also trying to allow myself just a small amount of time to really mourn and ask the questions in my head.
Despite what has happened, I do not regret meeting or loving him. I have to believe that there was a reason that he ended up in my life and a reason that I was allowed to love him for this short time. And I have to believe that my ability to walk away when necessary means that there is something better planned for me.
I sound very mature and reasonable about this I have been told…but I don’t feel that way. I feel broken. And confused. And angry. And so very very sad.
6.4 lbs. That is how much I have dropped in the last 4 weeks on Weight Watchers. Yep, I went back again – I think this is the 8th time I have tried it. Since I lost my first 5 lbs, the celebrated it in the meeting this week. But I had a hard time cause 6.5 lbs is a drop in the proverbial bucket for me.
And then this morning, I realized that I was 6.4 lbs I had a couple of weeks ago that I don’t have anymore. And each little 6.4 lbs adds up. Small victories.
Several years ago I became infatuated with a scrapbooking movement called Project Life. Part of what I loved was the emphasis of looking at daily activities versus just looking at the big event moments. I tried it, and quickly learned that I had a hard time keeping up with it because I saw that my days were the same – it was hard for me to find new things to put in the book…it all seemed mundane. And the same. I went the same places, had the same views, did the same things over and over.
I felt like my story was not worth telling.
So I shelved the idea, used the materials in different ways, but I never let go of the idea that I wanted to document the everyday. When the idea of moving happened, I thought this may be it – new environment, new people, new routines. But at the end of the day, I still find it to be too routine. Maybe because I spend most of my time working, sitting at my desk.
So this weekend I am taking a break. Letting go of the routine and getting out there to see what the area has to offer. Getting my camera out and seeing things in a new way. And most importantly, telling my new story. It is worth telling.