Peace in the Unknown

I don’t write much anymore.  Things have been busy and it seems like when I get the urge to write, there is just not the time or the inclination to make it happen.  Part of it has been stress – when I am stressed, I want to sleep all of the time.  That “too tired” feeling permeates all aspects of my life and lethargy becomes a way of life.

Recently, I have been contemplating making some changes…stress and emotions have heightened to this frenzy of crying and breakdowns that are not attractive and not necessary.  When I feel myself getting that way, first I retreat (not heard much from me…this is probably why) and then I reach out selectively to those I know can handle it (thanks to Penny for fielding the last one) and then when I can’t handle anymore, I let God in.  Backwards I know.

This latest crisis has led me to a place that I love to be…but rarely am.  I am content in the not knowing.  I am sure that decisions will need to be made.  I am sure that changes will have to happen.  But right now, my God is telling me to wait it out.  And so I am.  And I have a peace about that – a calmness that passes all understanding.

For that, I am thankful.  Whether the peace is due to the need for my mind to settle first before I am ready to make changes, or if this peace is due to a God who knows that I needed to get to where I was willing to wait before He showed me the next step…I am calm.

Be Still and Know That I Am GOD

So simple.

But really not.

I have been tested in the last couple of months.  I have been a little bi-polar – up and down in violent swings.  It is part of the reason that I have felt called to the word RELAX in 2012.

Last night I had a little breakdown.  A little moment of “NOW WHAT???”.  Prayers and some tears and I woke up this AM knowing that it was not solved…but God had given me a partial answer.  An answer that got me through the day today and it was the promise that He was listening.  He was giving me peace in the immediate…and letting me know that He had it under control.   He told me it was not my job to solve the issue.  And it was just what I needed to hear.

The issue is not gone.  And how the next couple of weeks play out will show whether or not I will need to take more action.  But for now, I am content in the stillness God has given me and the peace in the knowledge that for now, I am doing all that is required of me.

Father, continue to grant me peace while the situation is in progress.  Please be with everyone involved and grant them the same peace that You have given to me.  Thank you for the love and support and grace that you have shown on my behalf…especially when I begin to doubt.  I love You and I praise You.  Amen.

One Little Word for 2011 and 2012

Last year I declared my word to be finally.  I saw this year as a list of things I would finally accomplish…and it held true.  God used that word in my life all year…just not in the way I thought He would.

I finally found love again.
I finally settled into a job I really like.
I finally left a church that God had been trying to move me from and tried something new.
I finally saw what I really need in a church and am moving towards it now.
I finally walked in not just 1, but 2 5K’s….and I did not die.

A lot of big things.  A lot of things that I did not expect.  I am sure that there were lots of little things as well…but it could take all year to write them out.  Just know that God really showed me that word this year.

So for 2012, I have been thinking about my word.  I looked at the words that have been streaming through my head – words like love, security, stability, freedom…all great words but not really mine.  Then over breakfast this Christmas Eve, my friend Penny said it – RELAX.

While it does bring to mind images of Frankie Goes to Hollywood and white t-shirts with RELAX emblazoned on them, this year is the year I am going to try and focus on relaxing.

Websters online says it can be defined this way:

1.  To make less tense or rigid – I could certainly use that.
2.  To make less severe or stringent – another one that applies
3.  To relieve of nervous tension – ohhhh is that on the money
4.  To become less intense or severe – yes, yes, yes
5.  To cast off social restraint or anxiety – ding ding ding…we have a winner!

Anxiety is a large part of my life.  It has been for a while.  Worry is another big one for me.  So this year, my focus is on relaxing…letting God do His thing and resting in the knowledge that He has it all under control.

Now…if I can just figure out how to do that…

What I Learned in 2011

I learned…

• Letting go can be quite liberating.
• Leaving is not the only way, but many times it is the best way.
• Love can happen again.
• Someone will think I am beautiful…and now someone does.
• Work is important but so is a private life.
• Traditions are important and breaking them can break your heart.  But, it does not mean that you can’t make new ones.
• I don’t need things…I need attention, I need affection, I need someone to notice.
• Money will not fix things.  But it does help grease the wheels sometimes.
• Never underestimate what you can achieve when you are forced to do things on your own.
• Asking questions is necessary.  Never be afraid to ask.
• I need an outlet for creativity.
• Singing is a passion for me.  Singing well is a necessity for me.
• There is a difference between what you need and what you will put up with.
• I need to leave more room in my life for fun.
• I can accomplish something that I never thought I could – like two 5K’s in a year.
• My friends, few as they are, are the best.
• Other peoples expectations of me do not need to define me.
• My memory of things past can stop me from moving forward at times.
• My dependence on what I know can lead me wrong.

I am sure there is more.  It was a big year.  My word for 2011 was Finally…and I can say – I lived it this year.

So what have you told people about me?

That was the question he asked me today.  I had driven down to Hanover knowing that we wouldn’t really be doing much of anything.  I just really wanted to see him.  So I drove down this AM without a plan.  So unlike me. 

We just spent the day driving around Richmond and Hanover.  A stop for a seafood lunch.  And back to the firehouse for his meeting tonight.   It gave us a lot of time to talk.  And at lunch, he asked me the above question.  I have spoken about him in simple terms so far.  Basics…age, job, etc. 

After today, I guess I can say a little more. 

He is kind and ready to help. 
He listens…and when appropriate he talks. 
He is respectful. 
He has a sense of humor. 
We don’t agree on everything.  In fact, I am pretty sure we never will agree on some things.  But he respected my right to feel different. 
He thinks I am beautiful. 
He makes me believe him.

He has a plan.   And I am excited to see how this all turns out. 

 

After midnight musings

As the title of my post says it is after midnight and I am still awake.  Partly it is my allergies keeping me this way…part of it is not.  There is a lot going on in my head today and maybe getting it out will help a little. 

• This weekend was spent with 2 of my favorite people on earth.  Penny (whose house we invaded) and Sara (who I do not see nearly enough) and I have spent the weekend being girls.  We had group therapy, watched movies, went sightseeing in Charleston, shared YouTube videos, and we even sat in the same room sending each other  messages on Facebook….yes folks that is what a weekend with us looks like.
• One of the topics of discussion has been the new man I am seeing.  While I am not sure I am ready to talk about him, I will say this…I am hooked…and he appears to be as well.  It is that fun feeling you get when you first start to get to know someone and everything…every conversation, text message and meeting is still exciting.  There are obstacles, but he and I seem determined to make it work…and that is about all you can do.
• There is also something else on my mind, but I really can’t talk about it.  It is too personal, and I need to just pray on it for a while – I know what I need to do…I am just not prepared to do it yet.  I need to deal with it internally first. 
• Church has been an ongoing conversation in my head.  I have had a difficult time trying to determine if things bother me because it is not what I am used to, or because I think it is not right.  I have enjoyed my time at New Hope and I look forward to seeing what is next, but it is absolutely not what I am used to and I can’t quite figure out if that is what is holding me back there.

Tomorrow morning Sara and I will head back north and back to our real lives.    In the meantime, I am going to try and get some sleep tonight…allergies and all.

Pursued

I started a new book study on the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldridge.    One of the things that they talk about in chapter 1 is the 3 things that every woman wants for her life.

1.  To be romanced.
2.  To be a part of a great adventure
3.  To unveil beauty

Today I want to talk about #1.  To be romanced.  You see, I have never been romanced…I was never that girl.  Until now.  I am being pursued by someone for maybe the first time and I find myself kind on intimidated by the whole thing.  I don’t know how to react…how to hear the things that I am hearing…how to be “that girl” (and no that is not a reference to Marlo Thomas…just you know…THAT girl).

And then I remembered a quote from another book I have been reading called 66 Love Letters and the author said that essentially the Bible is the story of a scorned lover trying to win us back.  So have I been pursued?  Yes!