I rarely shy aware from making a decision. There have certainly been times when I have struggled with what is the right way to go, but I usually do not let myself sit on the fence too long. I muddle it over, I agonize, I talk it out and then I make a decision. One way or the other and then the issue is just dealing with the decision I made. I can’t predict the outcome and there is something that makes it ok to just learn to live with my choice.
And, I am not often in a position where the opinions of others really matters in my decision making process. But I usually am someone who needs to talk through an issue and so I involve others (to varying degrees) in the issue until I get some personal resolution. It means that many people know bits and pieces but rarely is there someone who lives with the issue in the way that I do. I don’t have anyone to talk to daily, so even my closest friends, know just a portion of what I know.
However, I have recently had to make a decision that was more difficult that usual. This particular issue was such a big deal that I started to see a therapist. And every week we would talk about issues surrounding this situation – how I felt, what it meant, how I was coping, how it affected and effected me, and mostly what did moving forward really mean – what did this choice would do to my life and what would it mean to me now and later.
The final decision was not easy and a large part of what made it so is that I was afraid that it would mean I could lose some people in my life due to the fact that they do not agree with me. At the end of the day, I had to choose, and I will have to live with the consequences. I will be right or I will be wrong. I can only hope I don’t have to walk this path alone.
Every year I am overly ambitious in November trying to plan the perfect December and by December 3 those plans have gone astray and I just give in to another year without that thing – whatever it was – that I thought I needed. So this year I start the season with a manifesto.
This Christmas I will not over plan, I will enjoy each day and not worry about all of the things I SHOULD be doing…and instead enjoy the things I AM doing. I will document what I can about the holiday, I will embrace the newness of my life situation and I will take a moment each day to reflect on what made the day great. Most importantly I will let myself off the hook if one or more of those things becomes too much to handle. I will enjoy Christmas this year – all of the craziness, busyness, and the joy of it. And when this Christmas is over, I will remember it fondly as a first.
I hope you too will find some peace and joy this Christmas – or at the very least – you will allow yourself to give in to what Christmas is and stop worrying about what it should be.
This year has been a roller coaster of ups and downs – a wild ride to be sure. I have much to be thankful for and I wanted to take a moment to list some of those things.
1. I am thankful for the people in my life. My family, friends and co-workers who make my daily life better. The wonderful office staff here at Round Hill Meadows who don’t make me feel bad for the sheer number of times I have to go to the office to get a package from them. My new Sunday School class and the wonderful church people at CBC who have been so welcoming. And for J who, despite everything, has been a wonderful friend during a very difficult period in both of our lives.
2. I am thankful for my new apartment and the chance to strike out on my own and start over. I never knew how much I needed this to work. And I am happy to report that it does.
3. I am thankful for my job and the flexibility that working at home has given me. I am continuously amazed at the ease of which that happened and the stress relief it has provided – even while I still have stressors in my life.
4. And most importantly, I am thankful for a God who forgives me over and over again. I need more forgiveness than I think is possible sometimes and He always amazes me at his grace and mercy.
This time last year I was preparing for 2014 by picking a word for the year. Normally, I pick a word that I want to strive to. Something I am hoping will inspire me throughout the year to do better, to try harder, to be the person I want to be. Last year I chose a word that I was pretty sure was God trying to tell me something. I chose change.
I like most people am not a huge fan of change – at least not a lot of changes in a small amount of time. And 2014 has had some major ones. If I thought for one second it was not God giving me that word, he proved me wrong for sure.
So I have been thinking on what changes I made in 2014 – and what changes were thrust upon me. Its a pretty big list:
- Job changes
- new supervisor
- losing a client
- gaining a client
- new contact at the client (leading to new challenges)
- pay raise
- working from home full time
- Personal changes
- New furniture
- Living and working in the same space
- New town
- New people
- New church
- New choir
- Living alone for the first time ever
- New relationship
- Ending of said relationship
- First relationship where it did not end with one or both of us being angry
- First time someone made me feel loved like that
Those were the big things – and there are countless little things that have changed this year. I have picked my word for 2015 and as much as I wish I could blithely pick something that is easy for this year – I know where God is leading me. So my pick for 2015 is connections. Can’t wait.
I used to love Facebook. It was a place to reach out, keep up with, and in a very passive aggressive way, get some things out (those annoyingly vague posts – usually something I wanted to say but had no one in particular to say them to…one of those things about being single that books will not tell you). I spent countless hours checking my wall and responding, liking and adding new content.
But in recent times, I have fallen off the Facebook bandwagon. I still check it..many times a day in fact, but I don’t write a lot anymore. And I have realized a few things about how I use Facebook to keep relationships moving….and how I let them stall.
I feel like we live in curious times. We use Facebook and Twitter and SnapChat and other forms to social media to “keep in touch” but truthfully if you look at most people’s feeds, it is really just a way for each of us to talk about ourselves…the things we love, the thoughts we have that normally no one would care about, the things that make us laugh or cry or make us think, and an abnormal amount of “everyday life” photos – have we ever in life spent so much time talking about and photographing our food?
Lately, I tend to read my feed, check in on the 5 or so people who crossed my mind lately and then move on. It means there are lots of people in my life that I don’t know what is going on with…and/or I don’t see in my feed and I don’t take the time to reach out. And I rarely send a message to sometime specifically. It happens, but rarely and it is usually sharing something I saw and not a personal message I post on someones wall.
At the same time my interest in social media is waning, I am more and more wanting real contact and connection with people – not virtual ones. I love my Facebook friends – I can’t imagine cutting off that part of my life – but it is time, past time really, to get out there and meet some people.
My current relationship ended this past week. I will not go into any details here, but just know that has been a very difficult few days and I will be struggling and trying to process what happened for some time. I don’t think I will ever be able to make sense completely of the events that unfolded. And I have to be content with knowing that I made the right choices for me and my own well being.
Walking away when you still love someone and when they still love you, even for the right reasons, has to be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. I have spent a lot of time wondering “what if” and “if only.” That kind of speculation is not healthy and I have been trying to get out it, but I am also trying to allow myself just a small amount of time to really mourn and ask the questions in my head.
Despite what has happened, I do not regret meeting or loving him. I have to believe that there was a reason that he ended up in my life and a reason that I was allowed to love him for this short time. And I have to believe that my ability to walk away when necessary means that there is something better planned for me.
I sound very mature and reasonable about this I have been told…but I don’t feel that way. I feel broken. And confused. And angry. And so very very sad.
6.4 lbs. That is how much I have dropped in the last 4 weeks on Weight Watchers. Yep, I went back again – I think this is the 8th time I have tried it. Since I lost my first 5 lbs, the celebrated it in the meeting this week. But I had a hard time cause 6.5 lbs is a drop in the proverbial bucket for me.
And then this morning, I realized that I was 6.4 lbs I had a couple of weeks ago that I don’t have anymore. And each little 6.4 lbs adds up. Small victories.