My heart is heavy

My current relationship ended this past week.  I will not go into any details here, but just know that has been a very difficult few days and I will be struggling and trying to process what happened for some time.  I don’t think I will ever be able to make sense completely of the events that unfolded.  And I have to be content with knowing that I made the right choices for me and my own well being.

Walking away when you still love someone and when they still love you, even for the right reasons, has to be the most difficult thing I have ever had to do.  I have spent a lot of time wondering “what if” and “if only.”  That kind of speculation is not healthy and I have been trying to get out it, but I am also trying to allow myself just a small amount of time to really mourn and ask the questions in my head.

Despite what has happened, I do not regret meeting or loving him.  I have to believe that there was a reason that he ended up in my life and a reason that I was allowed to love him for this short time.  And I have to believe that my ability to walk away when necessary means that there is something better planned for me.

I sound very mature and reasonable about this I have been told…but I don’t feel that way.  I feel broken.  And confused.  And angry.  And so very very sad.

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Small victories

6.4 lbs.  That is how much I have dropped in the last 4 weeks on Weight Watchers.  Yep, I went back again – I think this is the 8th time I have tried it.  Since I lost my first 5 lbs, the celebrated it in the meeting this week.  But I had a hard time cause 6.5 lbs is a drop in the proverbial bucket for me.

And then this morning, I realized that I was 6.4 lbs I had a couple of weeks ago that I don’t have anymore.  And each little 6.4 lbs adds up.   Small victories.

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Right now…

  1. I am loving the weather here in Orange.  Today the high is 68, it is sunny and beautiful.
  2. Last night was the first night I didn’t have the air conditioner on to sleep.   It was kind of perfect.
  3. I have been watching Netflix and Hulu daily and am really ready for the normal TV season to be here.  I miss my favorites.
  4. Speaking of which, I saw the premier of BBT and I just want to say how much I love that show. :)
  5. Work has had its challenges the last couple of months and it has been both frustrating and rewarding.
  6. This weekend I spent a bunch of time at home and a little time with my camera.   It was nice to get out and take some pictures.  But I realized a few things.  The things that inspire me will take more time to photograph.  More concentration.  More pictures in general.  I am out of practice and there is only one way to fix that.
  7. As I said on Facebook – I had my first real feelings of loneliness since I moved here this weekend.  I was not prepared.  I have been so happy here.  Not that loneliness means I am unhappy, just a moment of blue in an otherwise sunny couple of months.
  8. I have started planning for the holidays – I know its early.  But a crafter needs some time.
  9. I am cooking daily now – it is so odd for me but I really love it.
  10. I am also learning to cook smaller.  Most recipes are for 4-8 people.  I am one person and I don’t necessarily want to eat the same meal over and over again.
  11. I am still STILL organizing the apartment to get it how I want it.  Everyday is a little closer.  Maybe before next year I will be happy with it.
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A Story Worth Telling

Several years ago I became infatuated with a scrapbooking movement called Project Life.  Part of what I loved was the emphasis of looking at daily activities versus just looking at the big event moments.   I tried it, and quickly learned that I had a hard time keeping up with it because I saw that my days were the same – it was hard for me to find new things to put in the book…it all seemed mundane.  And the same.  I went the same places, had the same views, did the same things over and over.

I felt like my story was not worth telling.

So I shelved the idea, used the materials in different ways, but I never let go of the idea that I wanted to document the everyday.  When the idea of moving happened, I thought this may be it – new environment, new people, new routines.  But at the end of the day, I still find it to be too routine.  Maybe because I spend most of my time working, sitting at my desk.

So this weekend I am taking a break.  Letting go of the routine and getting out there to see what the area has to offer.  Getting my camera out and seeing things in a new way.  And most importantly, telling my new story.  It is worth telling.

 

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Week 9 – Holy cow I have been here a long time

I can’t even believe that it has been 9 weeks since I got here in Orange.   So much has happened and yet so much has not happened since I have been here.  So here is a recap of the last few weeks:

1.  My mom, her friend Bev and I went to the Madison Va Street Festival.  So much fun – very small town and I loved every minute of it.  Tomorrow we are going to the Orange Street Festival.  I love that part of living here.

2.  I finally got my bed frame this week – after weeks of sleeping on a mattress on the floor, last night was the first night in my real bed. Big thanks to my Aunt Barbara and my mom for bringing it down and helping to assemble it.

3.  I was in Leesburg the last 2 weekends and will be here the next 2 weekends.  I am hoping to finish the unpacking while I am here.

4.  I auditioned and had my first rehearsal for my new choir – Bel Canto Vocal Ensemble.  I am excited about it and I can’t wait to be singing again.

5.  I met a couple of my neighbors in the last week.  Not a real meet – just a quick hi, nice to meet you kind of thing.  But I love that I am starting to meet more people here.

6.  I will be back at Culpeper Baptist this weekend.   Can’t wait to try out the new pastor and see what a normal weekend is usual.

I am really happy here.  I can’t believe I am saying it – but I love it so far.

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Week 5 and 6 – Orange you glad…

Things here in Orange have been crazy busy!  Mostly work things and so I won’t bore you with details, but it has been kicking my butt lately and it seems like it will continue for some time.  So here is the quick shot of what has been happening:

1.  I took the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge this week.  I posted the video on Facebook.  Not only is ALS a client of mine at work, but my high school choir director had ALS.  She died several years ago, and while I won’t pretend to have great high school memories of her, I remember how frightening it seemed that her body would paralyze her while her mind still was sharp.  I can’t imagine much worse.

2.  I almost have all of my furniture in the apartment – I am so close.  :)

3.  I have not seen J in a long time.  Too long.  Tonight I will remedy that.

4.  What I really need is a full 2 or 3 days to spend on my apartment.  Organizing, cleaning, moving, etc.  Even though I have not see J in too long, I still have not had a chance to spend much time on the place…and there is so much stuff to do.

5.  I got to go to work last week and see everyone and then we had the company picnic and I spent some time with mom over the weekend before heading home.  And I got to see a movie with Lynn and Crystel – not a bad way to spend the weekend.

6. This weekend I get to see Sara and Micah!  So happy!

7.  When I use my home phone to call people, caller ID just says “ORANGE”.  So that is my new name now.  :)

8.  Speaking of Orange, I finished Orange is the New Black 2 seasons in about 1.5 weeks.  And I am about to start reading the book.    Anyone else addicted?

9.  Finally, I am starved for conversation.  Most days I fight the urge to talk to the walls.  So if you ever need to chat…I amy be your girl.

 

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Fairytales and being 40

I have been thinking about this post for a while and trying to decide how I wanted to tackle it.    Mostly the decisions have been how to make this a celebration of something and not a defeatist kind of post where people start to feel sorry for me or offer up words of encouragement.

At 40, I had just about given up on the idea of getting married.  The young impulsive carefree ideal of getting married at least.  I realized I will never been that 20 year old who feels like life is not worth living without that certain someone.  I will never be the 25 year old woman who meets a guy in a bar or is introduced by friends in what is called a “meet cute” in the movies.

I don’t need someone to rescue me from my life…while it is not perfect, it is the life that I built.  I don’t need someone to be my everything…it is not possible.   I don’t need someone to sweep me off my feet and treat me like a princess…at this age it is easier to see reality in yourself and in others and not expect more.  I don’t need the kind of fairytale that is taught to us when we are young…I don’t need to believe in perfection anymore.  I don’t need someone to complete me.

What I do want and need is someone I can talk to.  Someone who makes me laugh.  Someone who accepts my flaws as I accept his.  Someone who has the same values as I do.   Someone who pushes me out of my comfort zone and who challenges my preconceptions – about myself and the world.  Someone who shows me in small ways and big ways that I am important to them and who can accept the same from me.  Someone who makes the choice during the hard times to stay…cause in the end…that is the only thing that lasts.

 

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