Staycation

I really don’t like that word…staycation.  It means a vacation without going anywhere.  But it makes me sad…vacation has a better connotation and why do we need a special word for staying home on vacation?

Anyway, next week is my vacation at work and I am not heading anywhere.  I have a load of stuff to get done at work, 2 concerts, help with a conference and a bunch of other things that I would love to get done while I am home.  Realistically, if I can get some of it done I will feel good about it – but it would be nice to check it all off my list.

One of the things I am hoping to do is to go to the Lewis Ginter Botanic Garden to take some pictures.  The Garden is located in Richmond (or slightly outside or the city itself) and I have been hoping to get there for a while.   They are have a butterfly event this summer…should be beautiful.  And if I am up for it, I would like to get over to the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts in Richmond.

Mostly I plan on trying to relax…remember that was my word of 2012?  Well I suck at it. Really really suck at it.  And things are about to go sub-atomoic at work as we head into the fall and it is only going to get worse.  I will need this week to just focus myself and get ready. So this staycation (still hate that word) is much needed.

Followup

Just over a week ago, I posted about the heartache of realizing that someone needed to leave to my life.  I have been spending quite a bit of time thinking over the whole situation…and have chosen to not to do anything just yet.  Sorting my way through the emotions and conflicting ideas in my head has been occupying almost every waking moment of the last few days.

My choice to not do anything right now is based on several things – a need to “sort things out” in my own head, the belief that this decision is not one to take lightly, and a selfish desire to not want to let go…even when I know I should.   Taking the time to make sure that I am doing the right thing and not just taking an “easier” way out is part of the struggle.

I say “easier” because none of this is easy.  In some ways however, it would be easier to let this person go…because I know what it was like without them.  The known – in this case – is easier…but I need to make sure it is right as well.

So in short, I have not made a decision at all.  And for now, I am ok with that.

Heart on My Sleeve

I have always had a tendency to be a study in contrasts.  I grew up extremely shy and very closed off to people.  I am still uncomfortable with new people and it takes me a while to warm up.  But once I know you, I tend to be pretty open.  I have learned over the years to be unapologetic about who I am.

Over the years, my tendency to be open has left me vulnerable to attack.  And it has always given me this deep seated need to be valued – to find the 1 or 2 people who would see the value in me and respond and be as open with me as I have been with them.  Seeking that type of attention means that you get disappointed a lot.  And the rare one that comes along who treats you well is one to keep.

It means I don’t have a lot of people close to me.  I never have.  I have never been able to sustain relationships that were only surface deep.  And it means that I have a tendency to hold on too long if I think a relationship can be salvaged.  I want it to work…cause it so rarely does.

Yesterday it became clear that I have been holding on to someone who does not need to be in my life.  It makes me really sad.  It causes my heart to ache in a way that is not quite describable.  I was let down in a really scarring way.  It has made me question everything I have believed for the last few months – about myself and them.

I have not confronted the problem yet.  I have not made the break.  I am in a bit of quandary about it and need some time to make it all straight in my head.  I wanted so badly to believe.  I wanted it to be true.  But it really appears that it is not.  And that pains me deeply.

I would rather not talk about it…please don’t ask.  I need to straighten things out for now and decide how I will deal with the problem.  In the meantime, the heart on my sleeve is covered up.  Damaged and broken but not gone yet.

 

Bible

I found a small Bible in the basement this week – it is one of the ones that you give to a newborn…it has the New Testament, Psalms and Proverbs only.  I opened it up and noticed it was a Gideon Bible…not sure how we got it – mine was pink and this one is gold.  Maybe it belonged to a family member.

So I opened it up and this was in the beginning…and I really liked it.

“The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of salvation, the doom of sinners, and the happiness of believers.  Its doctrines are holy, its precepts are binding, its histories are true, and its decisions are immutable.  Read it to be wise, believe it to be safe, and practice it to be holy.  It contains light to direct you, food to support you, and comfort to cheer you.

It is the traveler’s map, the pilgrim’s staff, the pilot’s compass, the soldier’s sword, and the Christian’s charter.  Here, Paradise is restored, Heaven opened, and the gates of hell disclosed.

Christ is its grand subject, our good the design, and the glory of God its end.

It should fill the memory, rule the heart, and guide the feet. Read it slowly, frequently, and prayerfully.  It is a mine of wealth, a paradise of glory, and a river of pleasure.  It is given you in life, will be opened at the judgement, and be remembered forever.  It involves the highest responsibility, will reward the greatest labor, and will condemn all who trifle with its sacred contents.”

I wonder if that is in all Gideon Bibles.  Anyone know?

Randomness for Monday

1.  I was super super emotional this weekend.  Crying bouts and depression.  I know why.  I can’t change it and I can’t just snap out of it.  Whining will do no good.  But still the feelings persist.  I would like to find some semblance of normal again.

2.  The NYC trip is coming fast.  Still need to get a ride home from the metro – on Mothers Day at dinner time.  I realize the absurdity of that request but it reminds me how much I miss having friends who lived close…and how much it sucks that T is not closer.

3.  Feeling the need to start the couch to 5K program again.

4.  I have been off soda since February.  Need to weed myself off of bread…that will be infinitely harder I think.

5.  Loving my new iPhone but I hate that the charge does not last very long.  Which reminds me I will need to order a second charger.

6.  I need to clean my office at work and at home.

7.  I had a salad for lunch and I hope it keeps me full until I get home tonight.

8.  I need new tennis shoes.

9.  I got to see some great friends this weekend and t was fun to catch up a little.  But I think it contributed to my sad mood.

10.  Remember my One Little Word for 2012 – RELAX?  Working on it.

Call and Response

I started reading a new blog several months ago…one that intrigued me.  The bloggers name is Rachel Held Evans and she wrote a book called A Year of Biblical Womanhood.  The book details her year of living exactly as the Bible dictates.  I have not read the book yet, but I was curious to know how she came out of the experience.  Did she decide that the Bible taken too literally was bad for modern women?  Did she decide that it affected her faith?

So I started reading the blog and found some of her thoughts challenged me to see my faith differently.  Some I agreed with – some I did not.  That to me is the whole point of reading materials like her blog – to give me time to digest different ideas and then work through the answers and my own prejudices for and against them.

This month, she posted an article called “15 Reasons I Left Church”.  I saw her reasons and I wanted to spend a little time responding to them.    I won’t bother talking about all 15 of them, but a few peaked my writers mind.  You don’t have to agree with me, or her, but I would love some honest dialogue about it.

So here are some of her reasons:

“1.  I left the church because I’m better at planning Bible studies than baby showers…but they only wanted me to plan baby showers.”  

I see a couple of issues here.  First if you are attending a church that places more importance on social fellowship and less on Bible study – you may need a new church.  However…there are a lot of churches that miss the opportunity to provide for the social needs of its congregation.  This game goes both ways – you need balance.

It also seems to me that there is an inherent arrogance in that statement.  I worked in the church women’s ministry for years.  I know my own strengths and wanted to work within those strengths.  But there are times when there is work that needs to be done that may have fallen out of that purview.  I either accept the job, or I don’t.  But it is not my place to whine about the lack of work I want to do.  (And I can say this with all honesty as I lived it myself – I was the whiner once).

“6.  I left the church because sometimes I doubt, and church can be the worst place to doubt.”

I have to agree.  There is a culture in many churches where you fall on one side of the fence or another…you either believe or you don’t.  And if you believe you can’t doubt.  Which is dangerous.  I believe that God has used my doubts to teach me…it would have been nice if I had been able to discuss those doubts openly and started a dialogue.

“8.  I left the church because it was assumed that everyone in the congregation voted for Republicans.”

This is a particular pet peeve of mine.  I can’t tell you how many uncomfortable conversations I have been in or overheard in the church, where anyone who did not vote Republican was decried as evil, stupid or delusional.  I don’t believe that political talk belongs in the church.  But the nature of people is that they talk about what is important to them.  But when we get to the point where the potential President of the US is called the Antichrist (as Obama was when he was running last time) we have reached a level of political talk that is uncomfortable and is better left to your own homes.  You can’t assume that everyone will feel the way that you do…not should you…and can you imagine how that conversation would have sounded to a visitor?

There are others – and she has a post about the 15 reasons that she went back to the church eventually.   You can read that one here.  She says she went back for Jesus, and grace and communion, and connection  You see, all of her 15 reasons to leave had very little to do with God and everything to do with man.  They were reasons that stemmed from a fallen world and the people that inhabit it.  But a good deal of her reasons for going back were about the God that she should have been trying to connect with all along.

I hope you will take this as an opportunity to see why you choose to stay at a church or in the Church (know the difference?).  I did.

Checking in on One Little Word

It is said that you can’t appreciate the light unless you have been in the dark.

Well, right now, I am appreciating the light.  When God gave me the word RELAX for My One Little Word for 2012 I had my doubts.  Relaxing – at least emotionally and psychologically – has never been my strong suit.  Trust me – I can physically relax with the best of them…I sleep like its my job some days.  But letting my mind rest, letting my spirit rest, that has always been difficult.

So we are now entering our 4th month of 2012, and I thought I would update you on how God has been walking me through this so far.

  • I have noticed that stress appears again and again…however, my ability to let it go has increased.
  • There is a lightness about me right now – my shoulders are no longer holding the entire weight of the world on them.
  • There is a noticeable change in me – I can feel it and others have seen it.
  • I am working on trying to not worry so much (a herculean feat to be sure).

So want some specifics?  Well, it’s not all my stress to share – some I inherited from others and took on myself (and yes I realize while writing that how ridiculous it sounds).  So suffice it to say, right now, things are ok.  I fully expect that God will start again on me…the fall may be particularly trying as work goes into hyper-speed.  In the meantime, I have a lot to look forward to.

Used to be…

I saw this challenge today to document where you were 5 years ago, 10 years ago, etc…so I thought I would take a little look back.  And this may be a test to see what I can actually remember.

Today: 2012
Status: in a relationship
Job:  Account Representative at NPO Direct Marketing
Home: Current Residence
Church: homeless – still at member at FBCW but not attending in a year
Other:  Singing with the Celebration Singers

5 years ago:  2007
Status: Single (this doesn’t change much really)
Job: I was temping for a government contractor in Crystal City.  I knew the contract was coming to an end but had just found out that they had decided not to offer me a position at the company.
Home: Same as current residence
Church: First Baptist Church of Woodbridge
Other: I left the Praise Team at church (a significant moment), and later this year I would start working in women’s ministry.

10 years ago: 2002
Status: Single (really do I have to keep saying it?)
Job: I had just been laid off (last week of March) from Ebara Technologies.  I thought the world was ending.  I loved that job and never thought I would leave.  It was a huge change and the start of a 10 year journey to recover financially.
Home: Preparing to move into a townhouse with my friend Cari
Church: First Baptist Church of Woodbridge
Other: preparing for trip 2 to Germany with mission trip, singing in the choir and praise team at FBCW, singles ministry, Matthew was preparing to leave for Maine

15 years ago: 1997
Status: Single (this is getting ridiculous)
Job: Full time college student at George Mason University, part time worked at the Rubbermaid Store, summers at Nissan Pavilion
Home: with Mom and Dad
Church: Not a part of my life then

20 years ago: 1992
Status: Single (yep…you guessed it)
Job: Part time student at NOVA and part time at the Prince William Public Library
Home: with Mom, Dad and Heather
Church: Not a part of my life then

I feel like very little has changed and yet everything has changed.  Where have you been?

My Silly Bucket List

A friend of mine posted a Bucket list item on Facebook.  She wants to someday buy something from SkyMall.  I love the simplicity of that request – it is not overly complicated, hard to accomplish, or a pipe dream.  I am sure that SkyMall represents something to her. Some achievable goal that she is not quite at yet (as a college student).

So it got me thinking about what my bucket list would look like.

  1. I would like to sing a solo in a large theatre in front of an audience. – this is one that I don’t necessarily feel like I have to achieve…but I would like to.
  2. I would like to see Italy and Australia.
  3. I want to get married.  I want to be married.  I want to stay married.
  4. I would like to go to NYC for a weekend during the Christmas holidays to see the city decorated.
  5. I would like to take a road trip cross country.
  6. I want to buy my own house.
  7. I would like to not live paycheck to paycheck just once in my life.
  8. I want to lose a significant amount of weight.
  9. I want to rediscover the parts of my faith that I let slide.
  10. I want to see my niece and nephew grow up.

It’s pretty silly really.  These are all things (most of them anyways) that I can control.  Decisions I can make, or not make, that will make these things possible.

Lists for today

  1. Working on forgiving myself for a mistake at work.
  2. Craving a soda – I gave them up for Lent (and maybe for longer) and I have been craving one lately.
  3. Had yogurt this AM…I don’t like yogurt, but I know it is good for you
  4. Still playing around with the idea of a 7 day cleanse…but they kind of scare me
  5. Was asked to sing for Easter in DC again…need to decide if I will or not
  6. Work is taking us to NYC for a couple of days in May – trying to coordinate this with a trip there with my sister.  Would be fun to see it with her.
  7. Starting to work on new concert music for the Celebration Singers – but I really hope we will not be doing A Salute to the Armed Forces.
  8. Need to organize and clean out my office in the coming weeks – things are piling up.
  9. Will be installing a closet organizer in the home craft studio/office this weekend.  Can’t wait to start putting that room together again.
  10. I have become obsessed with Sirius/XM ON Broadway station…who saw that coming?
  11. I hope to see Tim this weekend.  It has become paramount that we see each other on the weekends.

11 random facts about right now.  Not particularly funny or interesting I guess.  But then again, that pretty much sums things up.