But really not.

I have been tested in the last couple of months.  I have been a little bi-polar – up and down in violent swings.  It is part of the reason that I have felt called to the word RELAX in 2012.

Last night I had a little breakdown.  A little moment of “NOW WHAT???”.  Prayers and some tears and I woke up this AM knowing that it was not solved…but God had given me a partial answer.  An answer that got me through the day today and it was the promise that He was listening.  He was giving me peace in the immediate…and letting me know that He had it under control.   He told me it was not my job to solve the issue.  And it was just what I needed to hear.

The issue is not gone.  And how the next couple of weeks play out will show whether or not I will need to take more action.  But for now, I am content in the stillness God has given me and the peace in the knowledge that for now, I am doing all that is required of me.

Father, continue to grant me peace while the situation is in progress.  Please be with everyone involved and grant them the same peace that You have given to me.  Thank you for the love and support and grace that you have shown on my behalf…especially when I begin to doubt.  I love You and I praise You.  Amen.

I finally found love again.
I finally settled into a job I really like.
I finally left a church that God had been trying to move me from and tried something new.
I finally saw what I really need in a church and am moving towards it now.
I finally walked in not just 1, but 2 5K’s….and I did not die.

A lot of big things.  A lot of things that I did not expect.  I am sure that there were lots of little things as well…but it could take all year to write them out.  Just know that God really showed me that word this year.

So for 2012, I have been thinking about my word.  I looked at the words that have been streaming through my head – words like love, security, stability, freedom…all great words but not really mine.  Then over breakfast this Christmas Eve, my friend Penny said it – RELAX.

While it does bring to mind images of Frankie Goes to Hollywood and white t-shirts with RELAX emblazoned on them, this year is the year I am going to try and focus on relaxing.

Websters online says it can be defined this way:

1.  To make less tense or rigid – I could certainly use that.
2.  To make less severe or stringent – another one that applies
3.  To relieve of nervous tension – ohhhh is that on the money
4.  To become less intense or severe – yes, yes, yes
5.  To cast off social restraint or anxiety – ding ding ding…we have a winner!

Anxiety is a large part of my life.  It has been for a while.  Worry is another big one for me.  So this year, my focus is on relaxing…letting God do His thing and resting in the knowledge that He has it all under control.

Now…if I can just figure out how to do that…

• Letting go can be quite liberating.
• Leaving is not the only way, but many times it is the best way.
• Love can happen again.
• Someone will think I am beautiful…and now someone does.
• Work is important but so is a private life.
• Traditions are important and breaking them can break your heart.  But, it does not mean that you can’t make new ones.
• I don’t need things…I need attention, I need affection, I need someone to notice.
• Money will not fix things.  But it does help grease the wheels sometimes.
• Never underestimate what you can achieve when you are forced to do things on your own.
• Asking questions is necessary.  Never be afraid to ask.
• I need an outlet for creativity.
• Singing is a passion for me.  Singing well is a necessity for me.
• There is a difference between what you need and what you will put up with.
• I need to leave more room in my life for fun.
• I can accomplish something that I never thought I could – like two 5K’s in a year.
• My friends, few as they are, are the best.
• Other peoples expectations of me do not need to define me.
• My memory of things past can stop me from moving forward at times.
• My dependence on what I know can lead me wrong.

I am sure there is more.  It was a big year.  My word for 2011 was Finally…and I can say – I lived it this year.

We just spent the day driving around Richmond and Hanover.  A stop for a seafood lunch.  And back to the firehouse for his meeting tonight.   It gave us a lot of time to talk.  And at lunch, he asked me the above question.  I have spoken about him in simple terms so far.  Basics…age, job, etc. 

After today, I guess I can say a little more. 

He is kind and ready to help. 
He listens…and when appropriate he talks. 
He is respectful. 
He has a sense of humor. 
We don’t agree on everything.  In fact, I am pretty sure we never will agree on some things.  But he respected my right to feel different. 
He thinks I am beautiful. 
He makes me believe him.

He has a plan.   And I am excited to see how this all turns out. 

• This weekend was spent with 2 of my favorite people on earth.  Penny (whose house we invaded) and Sara (who I do not see nearly enough) and I have spent the weekend being girls.  We had group therapy, watched movies, went sightseeing in Charleston, shared YouTube videos, and we even sat in the same room sending each other  messages on Facebook….yes folks that is what a weekend with us looks like.
• One of the topics of discussion has been the new man I am seeing.  While I am not sure I am ready to talk about him, I will say this…I am hooked…and he appears to be as well.  It is that fun feeling you get when you first start to get to know someone and everything…every conversation, text message and meeting is still exciting.  There are obstacles, but he and I seem determined to make it work…and that is about all you can do.
• There is also something else on my mind, but I really can’t talk about it.  It is too personal, and I need to just pray on it for a while – I know what I need to do…I am just not prepared to do it yet.  I need to deal with it internally first. 
• Church has been an ongoing conversation in my head.  I have had a difficult time trying to determine if things bother me because it is not what I am used to, or because I think it is not right.  I have enjoyed my time at New Hope and I look forward to seeing what is next, but it is absolutely not what I am used to and I can’t quite figure out if that is what is holding me back there.

Tomorrow morning Sara and I will head back north and back to our real lives.    In the meantime, I am going to try and get some sleep tonight…allergies and all.

1.  To be romanced.
2.  To be a part of a great adventure
3.  To unveil beauty

Today I want to talk about #1.  To be romanced.  You see, I have never been romanced…I was never that girl.  Until now.  I am being pursued by someone for maybe the first time and I find myself kind on intimidated by the whole thing.  I don’t know how to react…how to hear the things that I am hearing…how to be “that girl” (and no that is not a reference to Marlo Thomas…just you know…THAT girl).

And then I remembered a quote from another book I have been reading called 66 Love Letters and the author said that essentially the Bible is the story of a scorned lover trying to win us back.  So have I been pursued?  Yes!

But today’s post is different.  I will finish it because it is short.  You see when a really good thing happens, I don’t want to talk a lot about it.  But I will say this:  I had a date.  A really good date.  And we are planning another very soon.  And maybe I will have more to add at that time.  For now, just know that I am happily not finishing the posts on here…a little busy at the moment.

But this coming week I have some time set aside to clean out my craft room and try to get rid of the myriad of things I have been holding on to and have never used.  My hope is to try and donate the items to goodwill and get them out of the house.  I am pretty sure I wouldn’t even miss most of it since I have not used it.

I also plan on trying to pare down the “memories” that I have kept into a smaller and more workable format…in the hopes of keeping the things that are really really important separate from the things that are just fun to remember.

I started a new way of eating last week, and a new bible study the week prior to that.  And now I will end this week by trying to clear out some literal room in my life.  It is kind of liberating.  Or it will be if I can complete it.

So here’s to getting rid of the old.

The basic premiss is this:  Are you a fan of God?  Or are you a fully committed follower?

I watched the movie with some interest…and found myself quickly distracted by the story it told.  While the speaker, Kyle Idelman, was supposed to be the focus, I couldn’t help but be taken by the story they chose to tell while he spoke…a man who has a sudden heart attack in front of his family and who dies shortly after.  To be honest it hit too close to home – my own father had a heart attack in front of me and passed at the age of 47 – and I had a hard time processing parts of what the pastor spoke of.  It was one of those things that couldn’t be helped, and I will most likely go back and watch the video again…hoping to concentrate this time.

After the movie we separated into our small groups for discussion.  And there, I began to decipher what I would take out of this exercise.  The questions were:

1.  Can you define the relationship you have with Jesus?
2.  What part of your life are you refusing to let God into?
3.  If you died, what would your friends and family say about you and your faith?

1.  Defining the relationship is difficult as I sometimes feel it can be a little fluid…too fluid really.  Too easy to set aside.  I think, I am a fan most of the time.  I think I admire Christ, I quote Him, I read about Him, I think about Him, I talk about, talk to and sing to Him.  But I don’t know that I have ever had to really deny myself in order to follow him.  Really been tested to take up His cross and follow.

2.  As for what part of my life have I refused Him entry into?  That is easy and hard at the same time.  I think the hardest one to shake is that I have not let Him into my self image.  I can’t see me the way that He does.  It is the most glaring example of how I am unable to let go of something and let Him have it.  I feel like I know who I am and yet I know it rarely matches how He sees me.

3.  I think we all have a public persona.    And then we have the private person that our closest friends and family know.  And then we have the us only we and God know.  If I had to guess about what people would say about my public persona, it would be that they think I am a better person than I know I am.  If I had to guess what my closest friends and family would say, I think they would also believe me to be a better person (although maybe not as good as the public persona) than I say I am.  And for the me and that only God and I know…well, I am who I am and I am constantly trying to be better than I know I am.