Why?

So after something major happens the natural question is why?  Why now, why me, why us, why this….And I am dying to know.  Really I am, but I can’t bring myself to ask.  Maybe I am worried that I will get the answer I fear is real…that somehow this IS all about me…that somehow I did something, or acted someway, or said something…or that i was not something he wanted, or didn’t do something he needed…or simply that I was not good enough. 

And each time the Why question comes to mind, I try to ask…I try to write or call or something.  And it has only been 2 days.  Can you imagine me in 2 weeks, 2 months, etc if I don’t get an answer?  Can you imagine that I will never be able to trust someone again if I don’t know why?

I think about that.  I think about if I can let it go.  If I can move on.  Or will this one question left unsaid haunt me.  Will I let it define me?  Or will he offer he information that I want…or will he never know that I needed it.  

I know that I should be able to move on without it.  I know that I should love myself enough to know that even if his reason IS about me, that it really isn’t…that it is HIS reason and does not define me.  But really, I don’t see closure until I can know why and reconcile it.

Will I ask?  Probably not for a while.  Probably not for a long while.  And when he answers…will it be true?

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