So after something major happens the natural question is why? Why now, why me, why us, why this….And I am dying to know. Really I am, but I can’t bring myself to ask. Maybe I am worried that I will get the answer I fear is real…that somehow this IS all about me…that somehow I did something, or acted someway, or said something…or that i was not something he wanted, or didn’t do something he needed…or simply that I was not good enough.
And each time the Why question comes to mind, I try to ask…I try to write or call or something. And it has only been 2 days. Can you imagine me in 2 weeks, 2 months, etc if I don’t get an answer? Can you imagine that I will never be able to trust someone again if I don’t know why?
I think about that. I think about if I can let it go. If I can move on. Or will this one question left unsaid haunt me. Will I let it define me? Or will he offer he information that I want…or will he never know that I needed it.
I know that I should be able to move on without it. I know that I should love myself enough to know that even if his reason IS about me, that it really isn’t…that it is HIS reason and does not define me. But really, I don’t see closure until I can know why and reconcile it.
Will I ask? Probably not for a while. Probably not for a long while. And when he answers…will it be true?