Been beating myself up lately. Getting pretty black and blue. Looking at choices I made. Ways that I acted. Things that I said or didn’t say. Regrets. Most days I let it all go. But lately, at this crossroads I keep talking about, they are at the forefront of my mind again. What could I have done differently? What do I wish I had known? If I got the chance again, would I act the same? Were my actions and thoughts and feelings justified?
Would be pretty easy to take all of the blame for things feeling the way I am. Would be really easy to blame others when I am feeling this way as well.
Old regrets have surfaced. That time I chose not to dance with my dad at my cousins wedding – never knowing it would be my last time. Not majoring in Theatre in college like I wanted to…not even trying once the first roadblock happened. Quitting singing for so long. Dropping out of school when I did. Friendships I let go. Friendships I walked away from. All regrets.
Newer regrets are there as well. But most are too painful to really focus on. So I have been focusing on these old ones. And the focus is causing more problems…future regrets.
This has to end soon. I am not used to not being able to pull myself out of this. I am not used to feeling like I am in a pit. And I am so sick of it. I am sick of talking about it. I am sick of hearing about it. I am sick of feeling it. I am sick of it.
When it rains, it pours. I am drowning in it right now. An emotional tsunami.