The depths…

So much has been going on. It seems like each day, each hour, brings a new flood of things to be happy about, to be sad about, to cry over and to laugh over. And the range of these emotions is killing me really. So here is today’s quick roundup:

1. Went to the Scrapbooking Convention and had a great time. Great time.
2. Major accomplishment – spent less than $20.00 and everything I got was for a specific project…you don’t know how big that is for me!
3. Found out Scott is dating…oh this was big one and we will come back to it.
4. Found out that most likely my sister and her family will be moving to Texas next year for Jeff’s job…again we will come back to that.
5. Said a goodbye of sorts to Scott in reaction to #3.

So good, bad and ugly all in one day. I shed more tears, but not for the reasons I thought I would. And that is mostly just confusing. So let me try and explain.

We will start with the first big announcement. Scott is “In a Relationship” according to Facebook. Yes Facebook is how I found out that my recent ex is now dating someone else. Now in all fairness, he has known her for like 3 years, they are best friends, and there was a time before he met me when this was a possibility. And I can’t say that I am shocked that it happened or even that it happened now. In fact, I think his vacation to see her was partially on his mind when he ended things with me. He was planning. He was hoping. And I had to be out of the way to make that happen. Despite it all, he wouldn’t cheat.

So, saying all this, I was shocked to have to learn it the way I did. And it pissed me off. Royally. Like I wanted to throw things out the window. Not because I want him back (I realized last week I really don’t). Not because I thought how dare he date so soon (he is free to do so whenever). But I was pissed that HE didn’t tell me instead of having me find out in a very public and embarassing way. I was replaced by a message on Facebook. And to make matters worse, I spoke to him last night, and he never said anything. He had a perfect opportunity and he said nothing.

And that should not surprise me either, as he has a tendency to do that. To not say things that are hard, or that he thinks might get him in trouble, or get someone mad at him. But in this case, I feel like if he had cared about me at all, he could have warned me. I don’t need an apology for dating her, but I want one for him not telling me. He took the cowards way out.

It was however a wish come true of sorts. I have been praying for a sign that would help me get over all of this. As I said, I got over the break-up. I needed to get over him. I needed to get past wanting to talk to him. Wanting to be friends. Wanting to stay connected in hopes that it would get easier over time. But really, this was a clear indication that this was just not possible. It was a big glaring neon sign saying … it’s over. He didn’t care enough to talk to you, you need to stop caring as well.

And as the afternoon and evening wore on, I knew what I had to do. I un-friended him. Deleted his phone number. Erased his emails and email address from my yahoo account. I made him essentially disappear from my radar on paper in hopes that he would eventually do so from my whole life. There is a part of me that will always wonder about him. He was the first person to make me feel loved (whether or not he meant any of it is another story) and I can’t and won’t ever forget that. But it is time to put this relationship to rest. I would have loved a final goodbye. But I don’t expect to hear from him again and I need to be ok with that.

While I was still strugging with this decision to remove Scott from my life, my sister called and dropped the bomb that by next summer she and her family will mostly likely be moving to San Antonio Texas. For Jeff’s job. A move Heather swore she would never make. And now here it is. On the table. And while a lot can happen in a year, it would be quite a blow to all of us here in VA. And I am not sure how I would handle it really. Part of me thinks I would consider following them out there. I mean really what binds me here but family? And if family moves, then what?

So there it is. The depths of today. I am a work in progress. And I am learing as I go. Now we will have to see what tomorrow brings.

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One comment

  1. janna_u · June 28, 2009

    I missed seeing you at GASC – so many people! Sorry to hear about the FB bomb Scott dropped, but glad that it gave you the clarity you needed. Also sorry to hear that Heather will likely be moving. My sister lives in Missouri and I miss her terribly. Hang in there, chica. xo

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