Yesterday, I asked what tomorrow would bring. And like most days it did not bring exactly what was expected and it did not bring at all what I thought I wanted. I awoke this AM to an email from one of Scott’s friends telling me I was out of line for yesterday’s post. And telling me how she was tired of my whining over the whole thing and that I needed to move on. Now excuse me, but wasn’t that the very nature of yesterday’s post. Moving on? So I wrote her back and told her that while I didn’t think it was really any of her business, I had in fact moved on. That was the whole point of the post.
She accused me of being passive aggressive and implied that I was using these posts to bash Scott or make him feel worse about the whole thing. And I went back and read every post I have ever written about Scott and the relationship and the end of the relationship. I looked back over my Facebook status messages. I tried to find out if what she said could really be true. And I don’t see it. But, I will set the record straight once and for all.
1. This blog is not about Scott. It is a way for me to get things off my chest and out of my system.
2. There are many things I have not said on this blog and on Facebook nor do I ever. I am vague when I have to be. And depending on how you know me, you may read my emotions in a variety of ways. If I am upset, sad or depressed you may think it is about Scott, or about work, or about the fact that I have a large bill to pay this month that will leave me a little shorter than I like. I have talked about regrets and despair and emotional times. But only a portion of that had anything to do with grief over the end of this relationship. And to think otherwise would be foolish. It was a big event but it has not defined me completely.
3. I have written about my affection, love, and need to stay friends with Scott even in the midst of all of the turmoil. I will always look back on the time I had with him and remember how much her meant to me and how I hopefully meant the same to him for a while. And while the ending always colors the event itself, I never wanted to end up with one of us hating the other. Saying this, yesterday made the possibility of that happening impossible as it became clear once and for all that we can’t just be friends. Not now.
4. While the breakup was a bit of a catalyst (as most major emotional events are) for me to self-examine, my relationships are not the only thing in transition. Many parts of my life have been moving for some time leading me here and there and making the future fuzzy.
5. Yesterday I wrote about wanting a response from Scott. I didn’t send him the blog and had removed him from my friends list prior to it posting on Facebook. I did call him several hours before the post was written and left a voice mail that I had hoped he would return all day but he chose not to. The post was not an open letter to him asking for a response and it was not a plea for someone to ask him to talk to me. It was how I was feeling and how I was dealing by the time several hours had passed. Agree with me or not, it is what it is and nothing more.
6. Lastly, I don’t write this for anyone else. I write it for me. If someone reads it – great. But it never has been nor ever will be directed at someone specifically and no one reading it should take it that way.
As I said in my response back to Scott’s friend, I find it admirable that she feels the need to stick up for him. And I am glad that he is finding his happiness. I wish him well. I always have.
As for me, I am still looking for what’s next.