personal

Wish I had said yes…

Last night was the wedding of my friends Sara and Gerald.  The wedding was beautiful and the reception was so much fun.  I got to sit at a table with some of my favorite people – including a couple I don’t see often.  But there was one moment that was just too much for me…and when I attend weddings, it always is.  The father/daughter dance.  I always cry.  Everytime. 

A few years prior to my dad’s death, I attanded my cousin Mike’s wedding.  And I remember that day so clearly.  I was dressed in blue with my long hair up in a bun.   We had gotten to the reception and my parents had danced.  And then dad asked my sister to dance.  And then he asked me.  And I said no.  I said no because I hate to dance.  I hate to get up in front of people and move as I am so self-conscious about how I look and so I said no.  And it turned out that was my last chance.  He died. 

Now everytime I go to a wedding it is like reliving the moment when I wish I had said yes.  Lots of people don’t get a father daughter dance.  My sister didn’t at her wedding.  But knowing I had a chance and turned it down out of fear and loathing for myself, somehow makes it worse.  It is a tough thing to explain to other people when you start balling at a wedding and it seems totally inappropriate. 

Oh daddy…I wish I had said yes.

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