I am starting over.
Last week I attended my first choir rehearsal in 3 years. And tonight was rehearsal number 2. And some things are different good and some things are different bad. And then there are things that are just an adjustment. My adjustment. The nature of choir does not change. The mission and in some cases the people will remain forever the same. There will always be the jokester who has a smart comment for every thing, the one who asks the same question just 2 beats after someone else, the one who is concentrating so hard but not getting anywhere, and the one who is just along for the ride – happy to be singing and surrounded by people doing the same.
And I always try to figure out where I fit in that. I guess I can be all of them at different times. But mostly I tend to push through, head down (figuratively), while things happen around me. I don’t like being the center of anyones attention – good or bad. I like to hear the directions given to all of the parts as they may or may not pertain to me. I don’t like to be singled out and really it should be no big deal if I am there or not. I should be just another cog in the wheel. That is my job. To figure out how to blend in and be invisible in the ranks of many.
Unfortuntely, since I have been away from it for awhile, it will take me some time to get there. My voice is loud and has a tendency to stick out if I am not careful. And it is easy to get carried away with intrepretation when you are used to being a soloist…however, in choir it is not my interpretation that counts. There is an unease that comes with this learning. Others don’t really understand why this is an issue for me. I am a singer. This is singing. Should be a natural. But for me, it never has been.
So I am starting over. I am not sure if this time will stick or if I will have to walk away again for a while and then return in order to be ready for this. But for now, I am here. Let’s see what happens.