Last night I had my first voice lesson in a month. My teacher was not feeling well and really there was no “lesson.” We will reschedule that. But my teacher said something that got me to thinking. He said “For you, it is all about confidence.” We ended up talking for almost the whole hour about my concert last month (which we had not discussed), high school music, and the church choir. It was a discussion that probably needed to happen as we needed to catch up since it had been a month – but taking a whole lesson to not work and just to talk is highly highly unusual. (I should also point out, he refused to let me pay for the hour and we will schedule a make up lesson as soon as we can). Anyway, as we were talking, the conversation kept coming back to drive home the thing he had said to me earlier – “For you, it is all about confidence.”
Sometimes I think these lessons sound more like therapy sessions, but really for me, there is a lot of emotional baggage surrounding music and my involvement in it. And I will not go into all, but it has never been easy. I tend to like to be in the background, and yet God has gifted me with a voice that puts me front and center. I have never wanted more than to be like everyone else. And sometimes this voice has set me apart. This all sounds terribly conceited to me and I blush as I write this, but it has been a fact of my life for a while.
Anyway, as I was telling my teacher about my involvement with music and how I feel about it, I realized, that the anxiety, the worry, the “I can’t do THAT” attitude is all about confidence. I know it is a place I am lacking, but I never really put it all together until last night. I separated out my feelings about myself from the feelings about singing – and I shouldn’t have. They are one in the same. Confidence – lacking in one place – manifested in all other parts of my life.
A bit of a duh moment really. I should have known this all along I think. And most likely he is not the first to say it to me directly. But last night it made an impact.
Now will it inspire a change?