personal

The things you should never know

When I write the list of topics that I wanted to blog about, I added bullying and suicide together.  I was planning on writing about the recent suicides of kids who were bullied and had chosen to end their lives.  But the more I thought about it, bullying kind of needs it’s own topic.  And so I will tackle suicide on it’s own.

I will begin by saying that I have never attempted suicide.  I have never had the experience of trying to end my life.  But I have had the experience of sitting in my bathroom contemplating the pros and cons of just ending things.  Pondering the how and the why.  I do know about the moment when you have to make a choice to say yes or no.  And I do know that the choice for me was no.  From that angle, I can speak from experience.

I choose for today to not tell the whole story.  I will say it was in the last 8 years.  I was already saved.  And the choice for me came down to other people vs myself.  What would happen to those left behind vs what would or would not happen to me and my soul.  It was the thing that stopped me.  It was the idea that there were those that I would hurt immensely and those that would never understand why.  And so I chose no.

Many would be surprised to know that about me.  Especially those who knew me at that time.  Those I spent my time with and those who were around me constantly.  But for one afternoon – I almost ended it all.

In my case, the issues I had were person and largely internal…things I had caused…things that were piling up…things that I could not see a way around in the time frame that I needed them solved in.   Solutions were not forthcoming.  Answers were not plentiful.  And the problems were about to consume me.

In fact some of those issues are still with me.

I can see how God has honored my decision to stick around.  I can see how much my life has changed and how He has used me in His kingdom.  I have experienced much since this all happened.

And that is what makes me truly sad to see in the news that someone has taken their own life.  There is a world of experience that is yet to happen.  When I look at all that I have experienced in the last 8 years – a job I finally love, my nephew being born, friendships I developed, I fell in love – even if it didn’t last, and finding my ministry voice.  That has all happened in the last 8 years.  And I would have missed it all.

I am not here to tell you about the signs of depression or possible suicide.  I can’t really tell you why me and not someone else.  I absolutely do not believe that being a Christian made a difference in whether or not I contemplated suicide.  It did however, for me, make a difference in my saying no.

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2 thoughts on “The things you should never know”

  1. I’m glad you said “no”. I’ve gotten to know you better in the last 8 years and I’ve been blessed just to know you.

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