The past few months have been very stressful. I mentioned back in Nov or Dec that I had met someone and was staying quiet. I am still seeing him. Still committed to seeing what happens. Trying really hard to not get ahead of myself or the relationship at this point. It is what it is. It will be what it will be. And keeping track of the road we have traveled and the parts yet to come helps me stay in the current.
Work has also been occupying a lot of my time. I never saw myself as a workaholic – and then I realized that when I get busy…I kind of am. I tend to drop other parts of my life and concentrate on work to an extreme. I come in early or stay late almost every day. I come in weekends (I was here this past Saturday) if needed just to feel a slight bit caught up. I take work home (which has varied results). I work….a lot…when we are really busy. And then I have a hard time slowing down again.
It is unfortunate that in these times, the busy times, I tend to drop other things that are important to me. Hobbies, sleep, relationships (although I didn’t drop out completely this time) and, well, church. I don’t drop out of church on purpose. I might miss a Sunday due to work. Or being out of town (the by product of a boyfriend who lives 2 hours away). Or well…I guess I can come up with a lot of excuses. But the point is I miss. And right now that is significant. Why?
Well, I no longer have a church home. You see, at my former church, my home church, people noticed (usually) if they didn’t see me in a while. The church I attended for a short while – no one noticed if I was there or not…just if I made small group. And now, I don’t have a church home. No one notices if I am going or not. I am not connected to a congregation. I am not a regular part of worship in any particular place.
This feeling of being disconnected has brought me to a place where I am nostalgic for my church home. I am seeing things through rose colored glasses right now…a haze that is masking the very reasons I left in the first place. I do not believe for one moment that I am supposed to go back there. God has not called me back there…as easy as it would be to go back.
I have also slacked off on some other responsibilities that I took on last year and I need to get back to them. Starting with an apology I have made before and have been unable to reconcile. And then a promise to myself that I made and need to get back to.
As I said in the title, I am strangely ok. A little worn. Very much tired. A little ragged. But I am loved. And what else do you need?