Heart on My Sleeve

I have always had a tendency to be a study in contrasts.  I grew up extremely shy and very closed off to people.  I am still uncomfortable with new people and it takes me a while to warm up.  But once I know you, I tend to be pretty open.  I have learned over the years to be unapologetic about who I am.

Over the years, my tendency to be open has left me vulnerable to attack.  And it has always given me this deep seated need to be valued – to find the 1 or 2 people who would see the value in me and respond and be as open with me as I have been with them.  Seeking that type of attention means that you get disappointed a lot.  And the rare one that comes along who treats you well is one to keep.

It means I don’t have a lot of people close to me.  I never have.  I have never been able to sustain relationships that were only surface deep.  And it means that I have a tendency to hold on too long if I think a relationship can be salvaged.  I want it to work…cause it so rarely does.

Yesterday it became clear that I have been holding on to someone who does not need to be in my life.  It makes me really sad.  It causes my heart to ache in a way that is not quite describable.  I was let down in a really scarring way.  It has made me question everything I have believed for the last few months – about myself and them.

I have not confronted the problem yet.  I have not made the break.  I am in a bit of quandary about it and need some time to make it all straight in my head.  I wanted so badly to believe.  I wanted it to be true.  But it really appears that it is not.  And that pains me deeply.

I would rather not talk about it…please don’t ask.  I need to straighten things out for now and decide how I will deal with the problem.  In the meantime, the heart on my sleeve is covered up.  Damaged and broken but not gone yet.

 

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