I have always had a tendency to be a study in contrasts. I grew up extremely shy and very closed off to people. I am still uncomfortable with new people and it takes me a while to warm up. But once I know you, I tend to be pretty open. I have learned over the years to be unapologetic about who I am.
Over the years, my tendency to be open has left me vulnerable to attack. And it has always given me this deep seated need to be valued – to find the 1 or 2 people who would see the value in me and respond and be as open with me as I have been with them. Seeking that type of attention means that you get disappointed a lot. And the rare one that comes along who treats you well is one to keep.
It means I don’t have a lot of people close to me. I never have. I have never been able to sustain relationships that were only surface deep. And it means that I have a tendency to hold on too long if I think a relationship can be salvaged. I want it to work…cause it so rarely does.
Yesterday it became clear that I have been holding on to someone who does not need to be in my life. It makes me really sad. It causes my heart to ache in a way that is not quite describable. I was let down in a really scarring way. It has made me question everything I have believed for the last few months – about myself and them.
I have not confronted the problem yet. I have not made the break. I am in a bit of quandary about it and need some time to make it all straight in my head. I wanted so badly to believe. I wanted it to be true. But it really appears that it is not. And that pains me deeply.
I would rather not talk about it…please don’t ask. I need to straighten things out for now and decide how I will deal with the problem. In the meantime, the heart on my sleeve is covered up. Damaged and broken but not gone yet.