It is just before 4 am on the morning after one of my worst days ever. I have not really been able to sleep…drifting off now and then but not really sleeping. And while I will not share the whole story here, I will take an opportunity to tell you a little about why.
If you have read my blog at all over the last 9 months, you know that I have been in a long distance relationship that has had its share of ups and downs. T and I met online. He was the exact opposite of the type of guy that I thought I would fall for. He was a medic and a firefighter and a soldier in the reserves. He had tattoos. He swore like the proverbial sailor and he believed that the confederate flag was something to proudly display. He was not what I expected. But he told me he loved me…that I was beautiful and that he wanted to marry me.
There were issues. We fought over issues important to both of us. The distance and the traffic kept up apart a lot. Money was also an issue…he didn’t have any and I couldn’t always afford to be the one who paid. But we spoke several times a day on the phone and we saw each other as often as we could. We were making it work.
I was always the one who didn’t believe. I was cautious when he said he loved me. I was reluctant to believe that he and I would get married one day. But over time, and as we worked through each issue, I came to believe…I wanted to believe.
But there was this thing that kept hanging over us. He lied. Little things usually. Inconsistencies. Times when he couldn’t seem to remember things that he should have. And I let it go.
As it turns out, that was my mistake. It’s a long story but in the end it comes down to the fact that he is engaged to someone else…and she is pregnant with his baby..and when confronted with the fact that he was seeing me at the same time he claimed to not know me at all. Then he said he dated me 2 years ago. A series of phone call logs from my phone and some text messages made it clear that the truth was he cheated. And I was the other woman.
Everything he ever said was a lie. I am not sure that he knows how to tell the truth. And now some poor woman is going to have a baby and be tied to him for the rest of her life. And I feel sorry for her.
The part that I am having the hardest time with is that I feel ridiculously stupid in this process. I know better than to ignore the little voices. My friends knew something was wrong. I am someone who relies on their instincts. And this time I wanted so badly to believe him, I ignored everything.
I have not cried more than a few tears since this all came to light yesterday. Mostly I have been just numb. I deleted him from my phone. Got rid of most of his pictures on Facebook. And will be throwing away the items he gave me today. I have no use for them and can’t stand to look at them.
And in the meantime, I will be angry and mourning the loss of the someone I thought I knew. Someone I trusted and wanted to believe. And also mourning the trust I had in him.
If you think about it, say a prayer. For me, for his fiance (if she still is) and for the baby that will come of this relationship he had with her. They will be needing it. As for him, I wish it was possible for him to know to pain that he has caused. And somewhere deep down I think he does. But like a cockroach, he will find a way to keep going.