Dealing with the aftermath

It has been an interesting couple of days.  If you read my last blog post you know how it started…or maybe I should say how it ended.  I still can’t quite wrap my brian around the events of the last 72 hours.  From “I love you” to “I don’t know a Michelle” in less than an hour.

I slept last night…finally.  Woke up this AM and am still feeling a bit shell-shocked.  I can’t say I am angry or sad or anything really.  It’s all there under the surface and I have moments of it, but overall I just can’t feel anything.  My mom said last night I am acting like I did when my dad died.  It was so sudden that I really took a long time to grieve.  I can feel that again.  The shock to my system is such that I can not deal right now.  It is my body’s way of protecting me from it until I can process the whole thing.

I blocked all of the profiles on Facebook connected to him and her and them.  No more cyber stalking.  After one final check, it does appear that she is staying with him for now.  And good luck to her.  But it does bother me that he gets out of this without having to really deal with me or the consequences.  He gets what he wanted.  And the rest of us get the crap associated.  And as promised, I threw away his stuff yesterday.  It is all gone.  Pictures erased from my hard drive and phone.  Texts and phone calls and everything just erased.

I am trying to keep myself busy with planning for next year.  I will be moving out of the area.  Yes I have said that before.  And until a few days ago, I was planning on moving closer to Richmond…not gonna happen now.  So I am looking for other VA places I can afford to move to.  Maybe Harrisonburg or Charlottesville or even Norfolk.

Right now it is the rituals that I miss.  Knowing someone is going to call.  Waiting to talk to someone.  Having that person that is “there” even long distance.  There is comfort in that.  I look at the things I had planned and I wonder how I will do them now.  How will I do those things without thinking about him the whole time?  How do I change my life so that there is no room for his memory there?

I appreciate all of your prayers and kind words over the last couple of days.  It has been hard.  But I know that I am the wronged one.  And if I can just get past the need to make him pay, I think I can put this all behind me.

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