Was any of it real?

I promise as soon as this first week is over I will stop the incessant writing about the breakup.  This blog is letting me get it out of my system…so bear with me.

The big question for me is “Was anything real?”.

I am not sure that the answer really matters.  I mean, it makes no difference in the long run.  But there is of course a part of me that wants to believe that at some point he actually felt something.  That he may in fact have feelings and a conscience.  And not been so pathological as to have done all of this without some inkling that he liked me.  I mean we fought and then made up and he could have walked away at any time.  But he didn’t.  So what does that all mean.

I realize that trying to attach meaning to this is about as pointless as you can get.  But really, my brain is reeling and keeps trying to “figure it all out”.

Surprisingly I am still numb and the crying and angry outbursts have not started in earnest yet.

By the way, I dreamed about him last night.  He was calling…I was refusing to answer the phone.

It will be a long time before that stops happening.

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