When something ends, you pray for closure – a time to put the questions to rest and be able to start to move on. When dealing with closure of a relationship – whether it be romantic or friendly – ultimately it is a chance to have either final questions answered or to have some definitive “it’s over” moment. You know that moment when you look at someone or you are reminded of them and you realize how over it really is?
I am not there yet.
Part of it is that I still want the confrontation. I want to be able to yell at him and have him know how badly he screwed up. I want him to have to look me in the eye and say it was all a lie. I don’t think it will help me mentally or emotionally, but it would make it a lot easier to move on. Part of it is that I want an excuse to yell and scream at him. And part of it is that I want to believe that if I had that chance, I could just walk away and never look back.
Right now, I am doing a lot of looking back. And it is not healthy.
Over the last few days I have written about how much he hurt me. How angry I am. Even how grateful I am that I found out now and not later. But the hard cold truth is, I keep looking back and hoping I will see him there. I am not nearly as evolved as I may seem in the blog posts. I still want to cyber stalk him and her and see if she is staying with him. I still want to drive to Richmond and confront him at work so he can’t run away from me. I even tried calling his phone – even though I knew that she had destroyed it and the number was no longer good.
I still wake up in the mornings and wait for him to call. I still carry my cell phone around just in case. I still think about the last time I saw him and how comfortable I was around him. I still wonder what would have happened if anything he said had been true. I had thrown away his stuff last week…and then this weekend found a picture that I had printed…and it was all back again. All of the pain and embarrassment and humiliation I felt when my suspicions were confirmed.
I am fairly good at hiding it most of the time. But at night, laying in bed, I can still feel his arms around me the last time I hugged him. I can still smell his aftershave. I can still hear his voice in my head.
It is not over yet. It will not be over anytime soon. I may stop blogging about it, but it is with me every moment of the day.
Finally, I appreciate all of your kind words and your patience as I whine on about this ordeal. I feel like it has been going on for several months. But it has been 1 week. Only a week.
Closure is in the cards at some point. I know the day will come when I look back and see nothing there. When I can see just someone that I used to love and not someone for whom I loved more than he loved me.