I spoke to him this weekend. It is a pretty long story but let’s just say – I spoke to him. And I heard what I needed to hear from him in order to move on.
Some of you may not understand this. But I knew that if I didn’t hear the words out of his mouth, there would always be a part of me that wondered about the whole thing…did he end up in a situation he couldn’t get out of? Was his choice really a default choice? Sounds desperate I am sure. But I spent so long wanting to believe the best of him, why wouldn’t this be any different.
In the end, I will never know if he told me the truth. His fiance was standing right there and he admitted that he would say whatever I wanted to hear. So I had him say just that – he lied, he cheated, he used me and he was sorry. He wished me a good life and I said I wish I could say the same and that was the end.
I learned a lot in this process. Some good and some bad.
- Trust your gut instinct. I always thought I was good at that. I guess not.
- Don’t let anyone tell you don’t deserve what you want. (I put this on Facebook already) I had to press to get that short conversation. But I knew I had to and I deserved to hear it from him directly.
- I can keep my word.
- There is a line between trusting someone and blindly trusting someone.
- I am stronger than I thought I was…something God keeps having to convince me of.
- My friends – those close and not so close – will be there to back to me up. Always.
- None of this was my fault.
- The writing (and your comments) helped me process.
- Just because I have not broken down yet, does not mean that I am over it…but it means that it is clear to me that I don’t NEED him anymore.
- But I still reserve the right to break down later.
- Facebook can be your best friend…or your worst enemy. Use it wisely.
- When you need to stop yourself from obsessing, Facebook will let you block their pages…and suddenly they don’t exist in your world anymore.
I am still feeling fairly empty and hollow inside. I would like to say that I could be done with this…and I think the worst is over. But I know that I will need to deal with the emotions soon. It will come.
This weekend I started the process of starting over: making goals for next month (financial, exercise, food and spiritual), reading God Loves Broken People by Sheila Walsh (my first in my new book list), and researched areas for my move next year. I am determined to move on to bigger and better without him.
My prayer for today comes from the devotion I read this morning. In Isaiah 55, it says “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do no return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”
God has a plan for me. I am sure of it. And now I move on to the next step towards that future.