A friend is in the hospital and my mom and I were to visit her today. On our way, she called and left me a voice mail. I called her back before I listested and she said it was not a good day for her and asked if we would mind cancelling. I said sure and mom and I ran some errands instead. Later in the day, I listened to her voice and saw that there were several old messages in the box. From T.
I am not sure why I listened. They were old…from before the breakup. But listen I did. 2 of them were really short – “just checking in…love you…call me”. One was a little longer. I was worried about something…not really sure what, but I was worried. And he told me that he loved me no matter what, it would all be ok and he prayed that I would find some peace about things. I don’t remember what the worry was…I do remember that there was something, but I don’t remember what exactly.
It is those voice mails that have made all of this so difficult. I didn’t make this relationship up. I didn’t misread his signals, or make more out of it than it seemed to be. He said all the things that he was supposed to say. Yes, there were things that were not right – things that in retrospect should have been signals. But if you looked at the things he said, the things he promised – it all seemed so real. And considering most of our relationship was played out on the phone, it was his words that I had to live with.
And now it is his words that haunt me. I can hear him in my head, I know what it felt like to hear him say “I love you,” and unfortunately now I know what it is like to hear him say “Go away and leave me alone.”
I have not erased the 3 messages yet. It is a small reminder that even though he was not truthful, I didn’t make it up…I didn’t imagine what he said or how he said he felt.