The days have been dragging along for me…listless and long. I know that when a relationship ends, you have this period of time where you have to get used to not having plans…not having things to look forward to…not knowing where your weekend will be spent. I realize that my situation is kind of different, I was not able to rely on T for firm plans, but I still had the hope of plans each week.
I find myself saying often – I don’t have a life anymore. I don’t have plans anymore. I don’t have anything to do anymore.
Of course it is not really true. There is always stuff that can be done. Laundry, crafting, picture taking, organizing, cleaning out my hard drive, taking a drive, seeing a movie, taking a nap, working…there are lots of things to do. But … and here is the crux … I would rather not. I would rather not do those things…or do those things alone. So there is this weekly dilemma when it comes to the weekend. What now?
Here are a few things I want to do over the next couple of months:
- I want to make new memories. I want to go to Richmond and go to those places that remind me of him and make new memories. I want to drive those roads and eat at those places and see those things and not think about him.
- I want to be able to search pictures on my hard drive and not be afraid of finding a few hidden ones I had forgotten to delete.
- I want to be able to listen to my voicemails and not hear his voice.
- I want to be able to open a scrapbook and not have his picture staring back at me.
- I want to anticipate the weekends again. I miss the thrill of the week coming to an end and knowing that there is something exciting that is happening the next day.
- I want to be able to sleep at night without dreaming about him.
- More than ever, I want to move and start something new.
- Finally, I want to believe that God has something planned that is bigger and better for me. I have to believe it.