The next step is forgiving

I was in Wal-Mart this morning before work picking up a few things and I saw this book by Joyce Meyers called: Do Yourself a Favor…Forgive.  I bought it and plan to read it this weekend.

Here’s the thing:  in my life forgiveness has come in 2 forms.

1.  Forgiving someone you are still in relationship with.
2.  Forgiving someone you have broken contact with.

The first of these, is far far easier than the second for me.

When the relationship is ongoing, the forgiveness process is just that…it is a process.  You put away the feelings temporarily and you move on…basically you “fake it till you make it” and, if the friendship or relationship is strong enough, you work through the issues.  You may have to make the choice to forgive day after day but you keep making it because the alternative is the end of the relationship.    In these cases, ending the relationship is the last alternative you can imagine….you fight to keep what you have.

It is the times when you have severed contact with someone, it is much harder to forgive.  Well, at least for me.  In part it is more difficult because they are not there working on the relationship with you.  Partly it is the fact that by severing the relationship you have acknowledged that it is not worth keeping and it is easy to put off the forgiveness part because you don’t ever have to see them again.  And partly it is more difficult because if the crime was so bad to warrant the severing of the relationship altogether, there is a lot to forgive.

And so I find myself at a place I can’t yet handle.  I need to forgive him and move on.

I know I have been blogging about my journey after this breakup but there is one thing I have not really talked a lot about.  I have tried to focus on my feelings and the generalized things he did and not spell out the terrible acts in writing.  If you knew all that I know, you would be appalled that I stayed as long as I did.  In fact, if some of you knew all that I know, you would try to hunt him down.  Some of you would be astounded with how much I put up with…and how much I enabled some of his behaviors.  How eager I was to be all that he needed and wanted and was willing to accept so little in return.

In my head on a daily basis is all of the things that I should have done, said, been while we were together…not to save the relationship but to save myself from falling for a man capable of the deception he pulled off.   When he did XX, I should have YY.  When he said ZZ, I should have known then.  I have been beating myself up for not taking action sooner.  Not knowing.  Not recognizing the behaviors.

I know that beating myself up is futile.   And really it was not the point in my telling you.  I say that because I have been spending a lot of time focusing on the time we were together.  Good and bad.  And really I need to spend my time on forgiving him for all of it.  And forgiving me.

And moving forward.

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One comment

  1. Lassie · September 12, 2012

    Ahh Michele….My heart has been heavy for you and I have been remembering you in prayer each day. I have had my heart torn apart similarly years ago by a long time boyfriend whom I thought I was going to marry one day. I know the circumstances can’t be exactly the same, but I do know how badly it hurts and how hard it is to heal. I wanted to tell you that the thing that helped me heal the most all those years ago was coming to the realization that I would never find true satisfaction or real happiness in my life as long as I was looking for it in a relationship with another human being. Although I was already a Christian, I was not walking with Jesus enough to let him be enough for me or to fill my heart up from that longing to find happiness with , for me specifically, my desire to have a spouse. Honestly, when I cried that out to God I was scared bc I didn’t emotionally feel like that or that I knew how to do that. That was exactly where God wanted me to be and he showed me what that would look like and taught me how to find that satisfaction in him alone. My prayer is that you will too. BTW on a side note, by the time Kely came into the picture I had resigned myself that I was content to be alone, but God had much better than I would have chosen for myself ready for me when I was further along in the healing process. I don’t know why I had to go through that and waste 7 years of my life back then in a bad relationship, but I do know I can’t tell you how many times God has allowed me to share this story with others who were hurting like yourself. He can do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine…and He is close to the brokenhearted. Hang in there……love you!

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