This weekend I plan on reading the book I purchased on forgiveness (as I mentioned earlier this week). I have been trying to mentally put myself in that place as I come into the weekend. I have been beginning each day with “I forgive you T and I forgive me”. So far, it is not helping really, but it certainly can’t hurt as I make the move to try.
Tomorrow it is one month since all this happened…and truly each day it is getting a little better – I think about it less and less and I am not longer walking around with my phone hoping it will ring. I can now say that while he crosses my mind each day, I don’t linger there anymore. And while I still have the emotional outbursts – anger, sadness, loneliness and some depression – they are less frequent.
A lot of the work left is internal. Forgiving myself, opening myself up again, and not letting this experience be a fatal wound. As I look back on the last few months, I have been rereading old emails to friends and really looking at the relationship with opened eyes. It was not all bad. But there was a lot that was. And I knew it was bad, and I talked about not being ready to admit it was as bad as I thought. Those are the things I need to forgive myself for. The doubt. Not trusting myself. The desperation of holding on to something that was not good to begin with.
There is a fundamental something missing in me…or maybe not missing…maybe hidden is the word. I undervalue me. I undervalue my worth and my opinion and my ideas and my ability. And it was that very thing that made this relationship last so long…I didn’t value myself enough to see how he treated me and demand better.
And that is not what God wants for any of us. He created me to be better than even I know. He wants so much for me that I can’t imagine yet. And He is waiting for me to open my eyes and see it. And to allow myself to be all that I can and will be. I remember seeing Liz Curtis Higgs once a few years ago with my friends Penny and Doris and she told this story where she described a ritual in which each day she stands in front of the mirror, naked, after a shower and says “Ta-Da!” It is a reminder that we are all made in God’s image…just the way we are. So my task is to accept my flaws, work on seeing myself as God sees me, and to allow myself some grace to seep in.