Yesterday was a sad day. A day when the weight of the last few months really caught up with me and I felt every moment of it…angry, sad, shocked. It was all there. In my experience, it means it is coming to an end. My system is purging out as much of the emotion as it can in preparation for the letting go of it. They say it is always darkest before the dawn…right now it is pretty dark. The dawn has to be coming.
During all of this, God has been sending me words of comfort from some strange places. There is a blogger in England who writes about relationships and she has been dead on in some of her writings about the feelings I have been having. The Facebook app – God Wants You To Know – has been particularily correct. And Ann Voskamp of One Thousand Gifts blog has been such a release to read. This weekend one of my God Wants You To Know postings was “Accepance brings Peace”. They were talking about acceptance of yourself (in particulr your own beauty) but really it was appropriate for this. I accepted the breakup. What I couldn’t seem to accept was that I had fallen in love with someone so callous and uncaring – without a conscience. I couldn’t accept that he really was that cruel.
But in replaying the conversations I had with him over and over, a couple of things keep coming back to me. He told me repeatedly that he didn’t know why I stayed. He told me I was too good for him. He told me that he didn’t deserve me. And that is what I have to accept. He told me he was no good. I have to accept that I chose to not listen.