1 day and counting

Tomorrow he gets married.

As I let go of him, I begin to be able to identify the things that are lingering…the things I consider to be the REAL issues I have with the situation.  To be honest, the moment I had the truth in front of me, my attachment to him specifically ended.  While it took me a while to let go of the ritual of him, in the moment the truth was revealed, I had let go of him the person.  Which has left me with these lingering thoughts that are more about me and his actions than about him as a person.

I want to be clear…never in this process have I wanted him back.  Never in this process have I wished that it had been different and he was marrying me tomorrow.  Never in this process have I felt the need to try and convince him that I was the real thing and he was settling for the first girl he got pregnant.    Never did I wish for the relationship to have continued.

But the issues that I struggle with are more invasive…more personal….more insidious (it is apparently vocabulary day today).  Today, and hopefully for the last time, I want to speak to those issues.

1.  He could have ended things at many points in the relationship but I was not worth the truth to him.
2.  At almost 40 I have never known a man who told me the whole truth and meant everything he said – especially I love you – except my dad.
3.  My faith in myself and my ability to read people has been crushed to the point where I don’t trust myself on other things that have absolutely nothing to do with him or relationships in general.
4.  I can’t imagine letting myself be happy again right now.

I know that God has a plan for me.  I know that somewhere out there is the person that will renew my faith.  Right now, I just need a lightyear or so to pass before I can see it.

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