Tomorrow he gets married.
As I let go of him, I begin to be able to identify the things that are lingering…the things I consider to be the REAL issues I have with the situation. To be honest, the moment I had the truth in front of me, my attachment to him specifically ended. While it took me a while to let go of the ritual of him, in the moment the truth was revealed, I had let go of him the person. Which has left me with these lingering thoughts that are more about me and his actions than about him as a person.
I want to be clear…never in this process have I wanted him back. Never in this process have I wished that it had been different and he was marrying me tomorrow. Never in this process have I felt the need to try and convince him that I was the real thing and he was settling for the first girl he got pregnant. Never did I wish for the relationship to have continued.
But the issues that I struggle with are more invasive…more personal….more insidious (it is apparently vocabulary day today). Today, and hopefully for the last time, I want to speak to those issues.
1. He could have ended things at many points in the relationship but I was not worth the truth to him.
2. At almost 40 I have never known a man who told me the whole truth and meant everything he said – especially I love you – except my dad.
3. My faith in myself and my ability to read people has been crushed to the point where I don’t trust myself on other things that have absolutely nothing to do with him or relationships in general.
4. I can’t imagine letting myself be happy again right now.
I know that God has a plan for me. I know that somewhere out there is the person that will renew my faith. Right now, I just need a lightyear or so to pass before I can see it.