Today marks the 1 year anniversary of my first date with T. My life changed that day. Not to be too melodramatic, but I am not the same person who met him back then. This experience has changed me, it has caused a scar that is still healing, and in some ways will be for a very long time.
In looking back at the relationship, I can see that it wouldn’t have worked long-term. If you took the cheating thing out of the equation (and I realize that is a big leap), there were still too many issues. He was too dependent, too easy to blame, too into his own world and I was too dependent, too easy to accept blame and too wrapped up in his issues to deal with mine. We would have been a divorce waiting to happen.
I am not someone who never really envisioned getting married. T was the first time I really thought it might. And letting go of the fantasy has been hard. I let myself dream – bigger than I ever had before. And so the letdown from that was harder than it had ever been before. I knew it would not be a perfect marriage – none are. But I was committed to making it work and I thought he was as well. A commitment to work at it would be enough.
I had a conversation recently with a friend on Facebook and he asked me what I was looking for in a relationship. And I said “someone to put me first”. And he told me that was my problem…it was not possible to find that. He was partially right…I am not ever going to be first. God should be first. But he was also wrong.
I want someone who makes the relationship a priority. Someone who cares for me and my wellbeing as much as they care for themselves. Someone who understands the commitment necessary to make the choice to choose me each day. Someone whom I trust to lead and to follow. Someone who is willing to put effort in everyday to making things work. Someone to pick up the slack when necessary and someone willing to lean when they need to. Someone who listens and continues to talk when the conversation is difficult. Someone who is proud of me. Someone who is my friend as well as my partner. Someone who can hold a conversation. Someone who wants a partner to go through life with – who fills in their blanks. And mostly, someone who puts God at the center of all things – not just in words, but in deeds.
And in return, they can expect the same from me.
It’s a tall order. I realize that. Looking at this list, I had none of these things with T. Not a single one of them. (Remember divorce waiting to happen) This perspective – gained after a tumultuous year and a devastating breakup – bring me to a place I had not really thought I would be in. When I said earlier that I never expected to get married, what I meant to say was that I never thought it would happen, but I wanted it to. Everyone knew I wanted to get married. And I do…honestly want to get married. But I never really imagined it happening.
And here is where my dear married and non-married friends get to weigh in. Is my list too much to ask? Where do you see that I would need to settle or change my course?
PS I wrote this post early yesterday and then in the late afternoon found out I had to go to Richmond for my job today. Pray for some peace and that I don’t run into him or her. I don’t think I can handle it today.