personal

Those Feelings Don’t Just Go Away

In 2001, I met someone who became one of my closest friends.  After about 5 months of knowing him, I developed a huge crush (somewhere he is reading this and trying not to relive it).  I saw it as a crush – it would pass and I would never have to admit it happened.  But a mutual friend told him and he got really uncomfortable with me.  We almost lost a great friendship.  You see, it’s not just that he didn’t like me that way, he was gay (although closeted to me officially).  I always had my suspicions but figured that when he wanted to tell me he would.  It was not my place to say it for him.

So I had this crush – for 3 years ( I am not really sure he knows it lasted that long).  He had moved away and I still really liked him.  My attraction was based on the friendship.  In truth, it had very little to do with whether or not he would ever like me.  It was just how I felt.  And I got over it and we are still friends to this day.

When you invest in someone, you invest in how you feel about them…not whether or not they feel the same way about you.  The guy above, I call him my best friend.  I know I am not HIS best friend…although I am most likely in a group of close friends.  And I am ok with that.  Calling him my best friend is a testament to what he has meant to my life over the last 11 years.  And if I have had any meaning to him, that is for him to define…not me.

I am in similar situation with T.  Whether or not anything he ever said to me was true, I invested in him.  I loved him.  And this ending, while hurtful, does not make those feelings just go away.  Am I in love anymore?  No.  Would I ever consider going back to him?  No.  Could I be friends with him?  Probably not.  But I don’t wish him harm.  And I don’t really want to see him hurt.  I spent months loving him, and while my feelings have changed, there is a small part of me that still loves the man I thought he was.  And it does not matter that he is not that man.

I don’t really understand why I feel this way.  I don’t really know when it will change.  But I know this.  If I get to the point where I wish him harm and I wish hurt for him, then I am acting no better than he has.  And I am not that person.  Nor do I want to be.

I am not perfect.   I am not trying to be a martyr.  I have been mad, I have said and thought things about him getting his, karma and his prospects for a happy life and marriage.  But in the end, if only for the other people involved, I didn’t want for those things to be true.

There was apparently a lot going on this weekend.  I had moments when it made me smile to see that things were not going well for him.  But I also worried – he was or is in the hospital.  And it appears that something has happened between him and her.  Pray for them all if you think about it.  And pray for me as well.

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