Letting Go

Today the theme of letting go is on my mind.

My sister and her family are letting go of the family dog.  Comet, has 2 tumors that are causing him a lot of pain and today the family will lay him to rest.  The very thought of letting Comet go brings my mom to tears.  And of course Heather and the family are dealing with it each in their own way.  I think my brother in law is having the hardest time.  Comet was his dog from the get-go and this letting go is hard.

I ran across a letter from my friend Penny recently that she wrote me when she moved away.  The letter was an acknowledgement that although we would always be friends, the nature of that friendship would change once we no longer lived close to each other and had daily contact.  The letter brought tears to my eyes.  Not because I was still holding on, but because she was able to see it and identify it long before I would have…and it made the letting go a little easier.

There are many things in my life that I have had to let go of.  Normally I am kicking and screaming when I have to let things go.  And so you can pretty much guarantee that if I seem to let go too easily, I have probably not dealt with the issue fully.  Which brings me to this…there is some residual stuff from T that is lingering even today – 5 months after the end.  And I am not sure why, but it has been rearing it’s ugly head lately.

I thought it was the holidays.  I thought a lot this season about where I was last year.  How I was happy to be there last year.  How 2012 seemed to be so full of possibility.  And how it ended so badly.  I remembered the fight I had with T over New Years weekend after a disastrous trip to Arlington Cemetery.  I asked myself again why I didn’t end it then…why did I hold on so long?

I often wake up in the morning and realize I was dreaming about him…not in a good way…mostly revenge fantasies like catching him doing to her what he did to me.   Or in one bizarre dream I realized I was engaged to a man who was related to her and how I called off the wedding so I would not have to be associated with him ever again.

This is a case where I wish I could let go a little easier.

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