When Did THAT happen?

When did I get so serious?

A part of me has always been a bit too serious.  A bit too dour.  A bit too old.  But when did it get to a point where I can’t really remember the last time that I had a good laugh for no good reason?  When did it get to the point where I am unable to get silly?  To just let loose?

Yesterday at dinner my sister was asking me what I wanted to do for my 40th birthday (besides go to Italy since that is not going to happen).  She suggested all kinds of things especially a hoe-down (complete with mechanical bull).    Can you imagine?  I couldn’t.  I couldn’t imagine going to much less inviting my friends to a country jamboree in honor of my birthday.  In fact, I can’t imagine inviting people to my birthday at all.  It is 2 weeks before Christmas.  People are busy.  We don’t have a place to have it.  There is no time.  Why bother.  It is just 40.

I should be excited that she wanted to do something for me, but I got in my own way.  Again.

It makes me sad to know that there is this piece of me that used to exist that is no longer there.  An old friend was in DC this weekend and whenever her name comes up on Facebook I think back to when we were close.  I remember being 18 and 19 and driving down the road singing Mariah Carey at the top of our lungs (and I am sure that was a beautiful sound!) as we drove “all the way” to Manassas for some shopping.  I remember sitting in her bedroom as teenagers and talking about nothing and everything and how fun it all was.  I ended that friendship – there is no hiding the fact that I did.  The reasons for ending it made sense at the time, but for the life of me, most of them are not even remembered.

Something happened when I became a real grown up.  I lost this sense of fun.  I don’t do fun anymore.   Its not that I never laugh, but I never just allow myself to get silly without worrying about what someone will think, or how they will perceive me in that moment.  I censor myself when I feel it coming on.  I hold back just enough to be dignified.  Just enough to be boring.

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