Last night was my company’s employee party and I was not really excited about it. That probably sounds counterintuitive to those of you who know I love my job and a big part of that has been the people I have met there – but those kinds of situations…well…they are just not comfortable for me. If I am ever going to feel awkward and out of place it is in a room full of people – friends and strangers.
I am an introvert…through and through. I am not energized by a room full of people. I am excited about opportunities to socialize – even with those I see on a daily basis. I like small gatherings – dinners, lunches – on a small scale with a small group. There I can shine. But in a large group, I am anxious and nervous and ready to leave quickly.
But I don’t want to be that way.
I don’t want to seem dour or out of sorts when these situations happen. I don’t want to be quiet and in a corner – holding up the wall – when everyone else is in the middle of the room laughing and telling stories. I don’t want to be the one who can’t handle small talk and who stops the conversation awkwardly when I don’t know what to say.
I wish it were possible to be more comfortable.
But I am not. I will never be the life of the party in those situations. I will never be the one who stays until the music ends and everyone is looking for an after-party. I will never lead the dancing on the floor or conversation at the table.
Now if only I could accept that.