I have never been someone who was overly confident. I have always had some measure of self-doubt. Part of it was due to my weight, part of it was having a sister who was not only thinner but more social then i was, part of it was just that I never felt like I was enough.
Work was a space where I didn’t suffer the same doubts. Usually. And then I had an experience where I had worked somewhere for 8 months and was told I was awesome…and then at 8 months was told I had 30 days to clean up my act or I was out. What?
I was blindsided and in fact 30 days later was fired. Let go. I didn’t measure up.
My next job helped to rebuild that confidence. Largely it was done by giving me more responsibility, more work, more jobs, more clients. I was secure because they included me and they needed me and they trusted me with more and more. I was overworked…but we all were.
So here I find myself at my current job and I am crippled by doubts. Due in part to a combination of working for a company that is continually trying to make me better (by pointing out areas for improvement) and clients who need more and more from me, I have become defensive and I cry way too often. And I lay awake at night thinking about the things I need to do, change, be so that I am not blindsided again by a job.
I find myself saying “are you sick of talking to me yet?” or “sorry to bother you when I know you are busy” way too often. I either avoid asking for help or I become needy because I don’t want to make decisions for fear of making the wrong one.
I have turned into someone I don’t recognize most days.
I am not sure what the next step is but I need to get healthy. I need to make some changes. I need a shot of confidence and soon.