Crippling…

I have never been someone who was overly confident.  I have always had some measure of self-doubt.  Part of it was due to my weight, part of it was having a sister who was not only thinner but more social then i was, part of it was just that I never felt like I was enough.

Work was a space where I didn’t suffer the same doubts.   Usually.  And then I had an experience where I had worked somewhere for 8 months and was told I was awesome…and then at 8 months was told I had 30 days to clean up my act or I was out.  What?

I was blindsided and in fact 30 days later was fired.  Let go.  I didn’t measure up.

My next job helped to rebuild that confidence.  Largely it was done by giving me more responsibility, more work, more jobs, more clients.  I was secure because they included me and they needed me and they trusted me with more and more.  I was overworked…but we all were.

So here I find myself at my current job and I am crippled by doubts.  Due in part to a combination of working for a company that is continually trying to make me better (by pointing out areas for improvement) and clients who need more and more from me, I have become defensive and I cry way too often.   And I lay awake at night thinking about the things I need to do, change, be so that I am not blindsided again by a job.

I find myself saying “are you sick of talking to me yet?” or “sorry to bother you when I know you are busy” way too often.  I either avoid asking for help or I become needy because I don’t want to make decisions for fear of making the wrong one.

I have turned into someone I don’t recognize most days.

I am not sure what the next step is but I need to get healthy.  I need to make some changes.  I need a shot of confidence and soon.

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