I have cancer.
I don’t like to say it. I especially don’t like to say it to other people because I know the images that come to mind. I know the immediate fears that it brings to people. And I know the look – the one that says “oh my goodness I am so sorry”. The thing is I feel guilty when I say it. My prognosis is good. I don’t feel bad. I am not currently facing chemo or radiation. And the surgery I need can wait apparently.
I know that when I have my next biopsy, things could change. The cancer can get worse. But for now, things are ok. And I am ok.
But the truth is the cancer is there. It is weighing on me some days – the fear of the unknown. And then I feel guilty again because I am so much better off than many cancer patients.
I am trying to come to terms with the word. To be able to say it without having to apologize for not being sicker. To accept that this is a part of my life for now and no matter what I will be a cancer survivor the rest of my life.