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The Dreaded Word

I have cancer.

I don’t like to say it.  I especially don’t like to say it to other people because I know the images that come to mind.  I know the immediate fears that it brings to people.  And I know the look – the one that says “oh my goodness I am so sorry”.  The thing is I feel guilty when I say it.  My prognosis is good.  I don’t feel bad.  I am not currently facing chemo or radiation.  And the surgery I need can wait apparently.

I know that when I have my next biopsy, things could change.  The cancer can get worse.  But for now, things are ok.  And I am ok.

But the truth is the cancer is there.  It is weighing on me some days – the fear of the unknown.  And then I feel guilty again because I am so much better off than many cancer patients.

I am trying to come to terms with the word.  To be able to say it without having to apologize for not being sicker.  To accept that this is a part of my life for now and no matter what I will be a cancer survivor the rest of my life.

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