For the last 4 months, my thoughts have been consumed with my health. Cancer has a way of doing that to you. Even early stages, even a non-fatal diagnosis, even when you keep telling others and yourself, it is not a big deal…it still has a way of dominating your headspace. You wonder about your future. You worry about how to tell people without making them worry about you. And in my case, I spent a lot of my energy trying to resolve my feelings about the doctor and treatment.
In all of this time I have only cried over the cancer once…at diagnosis. I have been told I was so positive about the whole thing and truthfully, I was. It is my way when something big happens…I focus on the “work” – in this case, how to get better – and put the emotion aside. Somewhere down the line, the emotion will hit me. I think it is starting now.
I find myself crying over things that should not bother me. I get emotional about things I am not prepared for – I listed to the Adele concert yesterday that had been on NBC Monday night and I was in tears hearing her sing “When We Were Young”. It’s a great song, but not something I would normally be teary over. I over-react to things that normally don’t bother me. As the stress of the work of the last 4 months comes off of me, the emotional weight of it is just now becoming present.
I will probably spend a few months apologizing to J and my family for my reaction to things. And please know, I am not trying to be dramatic. I am trying to process what has happened.
I ask for your patience. I will be fine. But I need to process. And so for now, I am.