The Worst F Word

I just posted on my Facebook page something I heard:  The worst F word is “Fear” and how I live there too too often.  Ask most people who work with me or know me well and they will tell you that I operate in a constant state of fear.  I mask it well, so if you have never seen it – well I promise you it is there.

  • I fear being alone.
  • I fear being unknown.
  • I fear being open.
  • I fear being closed off.
  • I fear missing missing something.
  • I fear being late (probably due to the above).
  • I fear being a problem to someone else.
  • I fear being wrong.
  • I fear the future.
  • I fear the past happening again.
  • I fear the cancer is not gone or will come back elsewhere.
  • I fear I am not good enough.
  • I fear I am not understood.
  • I fear that no one really sees the real me.
  • I fear…too much.

I share on this blog as a way to break some of my fears.  A way to face the things in my head and when people comment on how “honest” I am on here, I don’t really know how to take it.  I am not trying to be overly honest…I am trying to break a fear of being open.

Sometimes I feel like my life is an open book but honestly, there is so much that people don’t know about it.  Even those closest to me.

So I am continually amazed when I read a blog that is SO honest and open. And I wonder if they are just like me – facing a fear in writing.  Writing is putting yourself out there -but in a way that separates you from the reader.  Yes – they can make comments – but you can avoid those if you choose to.  I like them.  Mostly.  And honestly, since it is friends and family mostly reading them, I don’t really have a lot of issues with bad comments.  I don’t think I could do it honestly if the comments were bad.  The blog – while not perfect – is a safe option.

My current favorite is a writer out of Des Moines – Daniel Finney.  His blog Making Weight, has become a quick favorite.  Mr. Finney is writing about his struggle to overcome morbid obesity and he is SO honest about everything and I can relate to his struggles.  He is further along in the journey than I am, but I just can’t get enough of his story.

I so appreciate those of you who take the time to read this when I choose to write.  In the meantime, fear – while not exactly my friend – gets a little less each time.

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