This morning in my SS class, I shared a passage from one of my favorite books – Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. In introducing the book, I said that I had go-to authors and when I want real – I read Donald Miller. I relate to his writing so much that sometimes I feel like he has a window into my soul.
As I was prepping which passage I would share, I reread many of my favorite parts of the book and was struck by things I had read before but this time they hit me like they were new. One of those passages is Don writing about quitting his job at a church to go spend some time in a VW bus traveling across the country trying to find God along the way. He had reached a part of his life where he was searching for something and he felt he had to go “out” to get it. That it was not in front of him anymore…the easy comfortable answers were no longer a comfort. And the short conversation he relays shows how he couldn’t express what he was trying to get at – but at a gut level he knew it was true.
That is a little bit like where I am these days. I am not searching for God in the same way. I have no desire to leave my little enclave here in Orange for some adventure like Don’s, but I too am looking for God in new places. And I am looking in old places I had long ago abandoned.
This search has led me ask some big questions. In someways I am asking THE big questions. The “what does it all mean” kinds of earthly questions. What do I want my life to be like? How do I envision living? Who is part of that life and who is not? If time and money were no object, what would I be doing? Do I like my life now? What would I change if change was not so scary? And finally, what has God been showing me lately that could give me those answers I am seeking? What desires has He put on my heart that are potentially illuminating a path I had not considered?
I don’t feel like I have had a moment quite like this for some time. A restlessness that is hard to explain. A moment when I am questioning all things – not so much due to a need to change it all, but to assess…to consider…to contemplate whether or not I am on the right path and what, if anything, am I missing.
Here is what I do know.
- I am still longing for more in some relationships and I am still hoping to make some additional relationships happen.
- I would like to find some support locally for this weight loss thing.
- I am feeling the need to be involved in a small group Bible study. And I am feeling led to possibly lead one myself.
- I need to stop making excuses about not giving time to the things I love to do and start just jumping in.
- Finally, I need more balance in my life. I have achieved some since coming to Orange and leaving NOVA behind, but I need to take the next step.
I feel like all of this is God stirring something in me. A new chapter is starting.