The paths we take

You have all seen some variety of this video on the web.  Older mom and dad finding out they will be grandparents.  Joy, screaming, shock, laughter, disbelief and tears….lots and lots of tears.

I watch these videos over and over again.  And each time I am reminded of what could have been.  Now hear me out.  I never wanted kids.  I never had a biological clock that made me want to be a mom.  I never saw myself that way – not even when most girls my age were dreaming about a husband and babies.  I didn’t want that life, was convinced I was not cut out for it and it never had any appeal to me.

I never considered this a specific choice I made.  I feel like I was not born with that desire.  That God didn’t make me that way.  And that is largely ok with me   But there are things I miss knowing about.

  • I wonder what it would have been like to have someone love me as completely as a child does.
  • I wonder what it would be like to see not just your kids grow up, but to see a next generation come to be.
  • I wonder if when I get old, anyone will care enough to make sure I am ok from time to time. (that sounds a lot more grim than I mean it to be)
  • I wonder about my legacy.

I never felt like something was missing when it came to not having kids.  But as I get older, I think more and more about legacy.  I think about the parts of my life that are important to me and wonder if there will be anyone who cares about me enough to look back fondly and remember what made me me.   Will I just be that aunt that used to tickle the kids when they were little and then as adults they only kept in touch with when mom and dad made them?  Will there be anyone left when I am old and gray (gray-er than now at least)?

I get teary eyed when I watch the “you’re gonna be a grandparent video”.  Not so much because I want to be on (although I think grandparent is way easier than parent), but because it was a path I didn’t go on…when so many around me did.  And every so often I look back at that path and I wonder….



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