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My sister

I was asked to sing for a funeral today.  I had met the deceased but didn’t really “know” her.  She went to my church and when someone asks me to sing at a funeral (even if the family has no idea who I am), I try not to say no.  It’s such a hard time.

The family member who I met was the sister and her grief was palpable.  She managed to laugh and smile, but she was having an understandably difficult time holding it together.

Throughout the service, I kept seeing my own sister.  Imagining her having to do this for me.  Knowing her and my mom, she would have to be the one talking to people, greeting them, holding it together.   I can’t imagine.

Mortality is not something I think a lot about.   But it is hard not to when you are at a funeral.  She was only 4 years older than me.   It makes you think.

By the time I left the funeral home, I was in tears.  Not to be morbid, but as my health has been unstable over the last couple of years – brought on by too much weight, bad habits and an inability to change – I see myself in the obituaries when people my age pass.

My first instinct -was to eat.

Right?  Like I am worried about dying young, about the effect it would have on my sister and my mother, about what could be if I don’t make some serious changes.  And my first instinct was the stop at McDonalds and get a BigMac.

Food is comfort.  It is familiar.  It gives me a sugar high (for a short time) and it makes me feel better – at least for a little while.  I always said I ate when I was bored, but really, I eat whenever something happens – happy, sad, frustrating, angry, disappointing – I eat.  I crave certain sugar-full foods to give me an uplift, to push me forward.  I look for what is available and what is easy and what is going to make me feel better.

I don’t want this.  But it is the only constant in my life.  It is the only thing that has always been there.  And it is an instant high.  And I can do it anytime, anywhere.

I have said this many times – THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE.  I don’t want my sister to have to be the one standing there telling people how much she misses me.  I want to be here for a long while.  And I am pretty sure she does as well.

 

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