I was hesitant when I read the Facbook post that said maybe you should you should stop thinking about why you needed exercise and think about how you FEEL about exercise. But obviously knowing I needed it did not make me do it. So I thought what I have a got to lose? So how do I feel about it?
- I feel inadequate. In many ways, I am a perfectionist and when I can’t do something 100 percent correct, I don’t want to do it at all. And I can’t do what I see the people on the videos doing usually, so it makes me want to not try.
- I feel insecure. I don’t dance in public because I can’t imagine letting people see the jiggle that would accompany any moving. That same mentality makes it difficult to be in the gym, a class and sometimes even in my own living room. What is someone could see the way I feel it looks on the outside.
- I feel defeated. When I have to stop after 5 minutes just to stop the wheezing, aching muscle cramps, and general hurt, I feel like there is no way that I will ever be able to do enough to make a dent in the issues my body has.
- I feel scared. That I will work and work and work and it will never be enough. Even if I were to lose 100 lbs, I would still be fat by today’s standards and it would be so defeating to work that hard and still be ridiculed when I leave the house.
- I feel like I am not enough. I guess that is the kicker – the real deal when I see above. I worry that I will never be enough. I will never be skinny enough to be acceptable. I worry that I will never be fit enough to be acceptable. I worry that I will never persevere enough to not be the fat girl. At the end of the day, I am afraid that I am never going to be enough.