The Reason Behind the Feelings

I was hesitant when I read the Facbook post that said maybe you should you should stop thinking about why you needed exercise and think about how you FEEL about exercise.  But obviously knowing I needed it did not make me do it.  So I thought what I have a got to lose?  So how do I feel about it?

  • I feel inadequate.  In many ways, I am a perfectionist and when I can’t do something 100 percent correct, I don’t want to do it at all.  And I can’t do what I see the people on the videos doing usually, so it makes me want to not try.
  • I feel insecure.  I don’t dance in public because I can’t imagine letting people see the jiggle that would accompany any moving.  That same mentality makes it difficult to be in the gym, a class and sometimes even in my own living room.  What is someone could see the way I feel it looks on the outside.
  • I feel defeated.  When I have to stop after 5 minutes just to stop the wheezing, aching muscle cramps, and general hurt, I feel like there is no way that I will ever be able to do enough to make a dent in the issues my body has.
  • I feel scared.  That I will work and work and work and it will never be enough.  Even if I were to lose 100 lbs, I would still be fat by today’s standards and it would be so defeating to work that hard and still be ridiculed when I leave the house.
  • I feel like I am not enough.  I guess that is the kicker – the real deal when I see above.  I worry that I will never be enough.  I will never be skinny enough to be acceptable.  I worry that I will never be fit enough to be acceptable.  I worry that I will never persevere enough to not be the fat girl.  At the end of the day, I am afraid that I am never going to be enough.

 

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