I am writing from a hotel room outside of Boston MA. Its 7am and I should be checking work emails from yesterday. But while my body is up, my mind is not quite in the same place. I am tired. Not – I didn’t sleep well tired. I mean the bone deep, soul weary kind of tired where the stresses of a long period of time start to weigh on you to the point of absolute exhaustion.
I am about due for a body breakdown. I am not looking forward to that part – but the rest that it can give you – that I can get behind. I don’t remember the last time I felt this run down without actually being sick.
So what is causing all of this? Well, it is a series of things that have been going on lately.
Work has been stressful. It is my own doing to some degree, and some of it is not. It is my tendency to put a lot of self-worth into my work and when it is running off the rails, I take it very personally. Also, I have been working more in order to correct some of the things that have been going on. And traveling more for work to be a presence where the work is happening.
As mentioned, I have been traveling a lot. Not far – mostly back and forth to NOVA. But – and this will sound weird to some – J’s house is not my place yet. It is not home. As much as I love seeing him – it is not home yet at his condo. My stuff is not there. I am living out of a suitcase there. I am out of my element in a way that feels overwhelming at times. I am comfortable there – but it is not home.
I am trying to work through some of my issues with food and behaviors. I think more about things like why I am eating and how often and why I skipped breakfast. I think about the things from my childhood that may have led to my inability to fix the food issue. I also think about why I hate exercise so much. Why I never was athletic. And how I got myself into this place after 40 years of bad behaviors. And I beat myself up quite a bit over all of the things I did to my body and continue to do too often. Then I beat myself up over beating myself up.
In the midst of this, I am supposed to be thinking about wedding colors and guests lists and receptions. Everyone wants to see me excited – and I am excited about marrying J. I am just not as excited about the work right now. There is so much to do, so little time and a finite amount of money to make it happen.
I just want to rest.
I need someone to hold me and make me slow down. I need someone to make my mind stop running and my heart feel some relief.
I know that true peace comes from God. But there are times when you need some earthly peace. Some rest.