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For the time being

I have been avoiding writing this as it is much easier to ignore what is happening than to address it.  But here we are:  I can’t sing.  Ever since this surgery and the subsequent endoscopies, I have been unable to since more than a few notes at a time…and when I do I am hoarse, uneven, with lots of breaks in my voice.   Whatever range I had seems to have gone away and I the sound is not akin to dying cats (with a vibrato that i can’t shake even when I want to).  Some notes are better than others – but overall, this is not me.

I am facing a second surgery – scheduled for March 1 – and then I am hoping that will be all for a very long while.  But in the meantime, I have been struggling with the loss of my voice.

For the uninitiated – and I apologize to all of the ones who have to hear me tread over this old material again – singing has been my THING for as long as I can remember.  It for the longest time was my life’s ambition and the only thing I thought I was good at.  So for me to lose this part of myself – even temporarily is like having an essential part of my being gone.  I don’t know who I am without it some days.

I understand this may be temporary.  And I will look into getting back into lessons once I get married and move.  Maybe I am just severely out of practice and need to let everything heal a bit more.  But I have had to face the possibility that it may not come back.

I used to say, I didn’t want to live without being able to sing.  Some days I still feel that way.  It is hard to explain to someone who is not me or has not witnessed what this gift has meant to me my entire life.

I pray every day that if God means for me to continue singing he will provide the way for that to happen.  For now, I will be over here humming.

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