I have been avoiding writing this as it is much easier to ignore what is happening than to address it. But here we are: I can’t sing. Ever since this surgery and the subsequent endoscopies, I have been unable to since more than a few notes at a time…and when I do I am hoarse, uneven, with lots of breaks in my voice. Whatever range I had seems to have gone away and I the sound is not akin to dying cats (with a vibrato that i can’t shake even when I want to). Some notes are better than others – but overall, this is not me.
I am facing a second surgery – scheduled for March 1 – and then I am hoping that will be all for a very long while. But in the meantime, I have been struggling with the loss of my voice.
For the uninitiated – and I apologize to all of the ones who have to hear me tread over this old material again – singing has been my THING for as long as I can remember. It for the longest time was my life’s ambition and the only thing I thought I was good at. So for me to lose this part of myself – even temporarily is like having an essential part of my being gone. I don’t know who I am without it some days.
I understand this may be temporary. And I will look into getting back into lessons once I get married and move. Maybe I am just severely out of practice and need to let everything heal a bit more. But I have had to face the possibility that it may not come back.
I used to say, I didn’t want to live without being able to sing. Some days I still feel that way. It is hard to explain to someone who is not me or has not witnessed what this gift has meant to me my entire life.
I pray every day that if God means for me to continue singing he will provide the way for that to happen. For now, I will be over here humming.